knowledgerevolution

More must sees...

2006-06-01T14:59:00.000-05:00

Who killed the electric car?
http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony/whokilledtheelectriccar/trailer/

Hip Hop as a path to peace:
http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/wordlife/trailer/

Google Does It Again

2006-05-11T22:17:00.000-05:00

So google released yet another awesome tool called trends. It lets you search for and find the stats for searches based on a word or words. It is an EXCELLENT way to learn about the populous at large and their habits (at least the people that use google).

Check out the link below for an example. To see just what we in the US on google look for, try the link below, then remove Paris Hilton from the search and do it again. Then add her back. Notice the difference in searches! I can't imagine why humanitarian orgs are having so much trouble (extreme sarcasm)...

Another interesting thing to note is the news graph below the main graph. Notice the news coverage as opposed to the searches by people...very interesting...

http://www.google.com/trends?q=Uganda%2CDarfur%2CGlobal+
Warming%2CGenocide%2CParis+Hilton&ctab=0&geo=US&date=all

This is not all negative, it just made me realize just how asleep our country is. On a positive note, I think this will be a useful tool for progressive groups to judge the status quo and better focus there efforts for change.

Wahoo google!

Recommendations of the Day

2006-05-11T11:36:00.000-05:00

Movie:
http://www.sonyclassics.com/whywefight/

Book:

Another day...

2006-05-10T21:21:00.000-05:00

Accomplished a thousand things today, none of which I really have time to yap about. The main thing is I got the complete re-edit of the Full Belly Project website (http://www.fullbellyproject.org) done. What a way to spend your lunch hour!!

Too tired to record much more, more soon hopefully.

Peace

The New Deal

2006-04-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

So in essence, Che had it almost right.

1> The system we have doesn't work.
2> We need a new system.
3> A new system must account for our shortcomings as humans.
4> A new system must have an inherent method of implementation, that is, the system itself can be used to implement itself.
5> The implementation of a new system will most likely require a radical, short-term change to it and away from the olds systems.
6> A new system cannot be implemented by the existing systems, because it is meant to replace those very systems.
7> All natural systems are dynamic, and a new system must therefore be dynamic as well.
8> A new system must be easily managed and interacted with by all individuals.
9> A new system must not create emergent behaviors that are not intended by the individuals within that system.

In essence, I believe the only way to save our failing society, is to replicate Che's revolution, but replace the anger and bullets, with compassion and knowledge. The emotional response one human has to another's suffering, can be just as motivational as the hatred and anger that powered traditional revolution.

Anger comes from mis-understanding. When we truly understand another, we are not angered by their actions. We may not agree with their actions, but we understand why they did what they did, and how they can change their behavior, if it needs changed.

I suppose the fundamental idea that the universe contains right and wrong is something that must be contended with. But even if we suppose that there is a universal right and wrong, we should not be angered by someone doing wrong. We should be saddened to see a fellow human acting with ignorance, and seek to help them overcome that ignorance.

Anger is the fruit of frustration, and frustration comes from misunderstanding and impatience.

Punishment creates anger and resentment.

To move forward, we must help individuals and groups learn how to do things the "right" way, not punish them for doing it the wrong way. Punishment is a short-term solution to a symptom, we need long term solutions to the problem.

Revolution Needs Checklist:
1) A new governmental system for human society (All levels from local to global)
2) A methodology for teaching the system to all
3) A methodology to ensure future generations also understand and use the system (Self-sustaining)

Yep

2006-02-03T02:15:00.000-05:00

Still insanely busy as I now have a full time job (FINALLY!!!). But, I was doing some house cleaning and had to share these two pics from our trip to NY. Evie and I got to go to the UN while we where there, and the first picture is a really cool statue out front of it. The second picture is of some key chains they had at the gift shop. I thought it was kind of funny because they have Bush's biggest nightmare hanging beside the US keychain...

A vacation from vacation!

2006-01-11T01:43:00.000-05:00

Wow, I thought my vacation was two long, but after being back in town for a week I miss it already! Things are crazy busy for me right now on all fronts.

I'm trying to get Amnesty moving forward again for a great year. We're up to 43 members and we have about 10 officers. Plus, we're hoping to add 3 professors to the advisory board. I think things are really going to take off this year.

Full Belly Project is moving ahead and we got the official word that Jimmy Carter is going to meet with us about endorsing our organization. The organization is also shaping up nicely with a more structured approach and renewed enthusiasm.

SEACC is off to a great year with upcoming potlucks for local activist, monthly training for local non-profits, and the new website (CFAN) is moving forward. I will write more about CFAN when I have a writeup, but its basically an activist/organization networking and news tool for the internet. It will be the main focus of my non-profit work this year.

With jobs, the company I have been working with (BMS) is now paying me and planning to bring me on as a full parnter in the near future. The pay is low right now, but once money starts rolling in from our clients in the next couple of months, they are going to up my pay. I'm basically making an investment in the company because I believe it is only a matter of months before things really take off. They are paying me out of their pockets for now, though one of our clients is now up and running with monthly payments for our software. The cool part is that I control how the company progresses because I'm a partner, so its more of a career opportunity than working for some company that can lay me off in a year. I'm still interviewing with several companies, but unless I get a substantial offer I'm staying with BMS. In addition, I may start getting paid for some of the non-profit work I'm doing as a large grant has been promised to one of my projects.

Thats about it for now, gotta get to bed for my interview tomorrow. Working out is on track, and so is the diet. I'm shooting for 10 pounds/month, and so far I'm on track. If it happens, I'll be super health man by January next year!

Peace

Global Exchange's Most Wanted Human Rights Violators in the Corporate World

2005-12-17T20:47:00.000-05:00

The new list of the top human rights violating corporations has been published at:
http://www.globalexchange.org/getInvolved/corporateHRviolators.html

And for those of you defending Wal-mart, take a peak! Remember, the goal is reform, not destruction.

Working hard...

2005-12-08T00:55:00.000-05:00

I've had three interviews in the past few weeks, and two of them went very well. I may be employed by the new year yet! Getting lots of work done on the Full Belly Project and I'm also blogging for them now on the Full Belly Blog Be sure to sign up for the mailing list if you haven't already by sending an email to enews@fullbellyproject.org with Subject: Add To Mailing List

Not much else to report, working hard to find a job as usual...

To be, but what to be...

2005-12-05T00:08:00.000-05:00

Yes, I definetly want to be as opposed to not to be, but what to be is the real question. With grad school, a real job, two non-profit board positions, and several activist groups, I'm back to being overcommitted. I have to make some cuts, and I just don't know where I'm going to do it. Each activity feels a different need in my life, and I don't know how to change that. Currently I'm trying to just cut back involvement and work more effectively to reduce the time required. But its hard to do that when you are involved in such great things. I guess I'll have to keep playing it by ear, but I'm always nervous about not planning ahead.

In other news, I'm learning more and more by the day about economics, and seeing the power it offers as a tool for positive change. I was talking with someone tonight, and it is true that there are all kinds of economist's out there yaking about how to fix things...for every one that says one thing there are two others that say the opposite...but I feel that its a matter of working at the pragmatic level. Create a model of the local economy, look at the factors influencing it, and figure out how to fix the problems. When there is economic stability, political and societal stability follow. I know that sounds like a capatilistic way of looking at it, but then aren't most motivated by capital? I think George Soros has taught me the valuable lesson of using capital as a positive force, rather than the greed powering machine it can be.

Positive thoughts of change and progressive steps to the future flood my head. A long road, yes; a difficult road, yes; impossible, no.

You never really know do you?

2005-12-03T20:34:00.000-05:00

Its almost comical, but every time I think I know something, I'm reminded that I have no clue. I'm 27 now, and I still don't even know about all of the programs at my own university. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true.

My evolution as a participant in academia (for lack of a better term) has been a continual growth along a very weird path. In fact, I often think of it in terms of knowing the path and not being able to follow it. I get this visual image of myself running through the bushes at full speed, ripping flesh off and continually tripping, when the path is just a few feet to my left the whole time.

I guess having recognized that is a start, but it feels kind of like I finally graduated kindergarten at 27. Think I'll make it to high school by 90?

I recently met a very interesting person, who turned out to be a librarian at UNCW. Now, I don't know what things are like where you come from, but here, librarians are a lot more interesting. When I was growing up the librarian was the mean old lady that always bugged you about checking out books on vampires and told you to read some Tom Sawyer. Now, I admit that I probably would be a great deal more intelligent if I had taken her advice, but vampires are cool. Of course, that knowledge has never really proved useful, and I outgrew the vampire facination by middle school, so maybe she was right. Regardless, the point is that I think most people back in my home town view librarians as public servants that are working blue collar jobs. I actually believed that, but a slow metamorphosis of that image has occurred in my time at UNCW.

It began when I was doing some research and asked about a reference I was unsure of. Keep in mind that I'm a VERY solitary person (with research anyway), and asking for help rarely occurs in academic work. In fact, this whole story of my first question for help at the library took place the third year I was at school! So I tell the woman my quagmire, and wait for some standard answer that doesn't help and reminds me why I never ask. Instead, I get a question, "What are you really trying to find out?" Now I'm thinking, oh great, now she's going to tell me how to really do research. I appease her and answer that I'm trying to find some numbers so I can compare statistics of such and such...she replies, "Oh, there is a set of books that already has the statistical analysis on that done." !!! Needless to say, I lost about half of my negative and arrogant attitude that day. And I learned that librarians are a great deal more than just blue collar workers.

So what the hell am I talking about...this person I met, who is a librarian, is completely amazing, and therefore a complete suprise. I checked out her webpage to learn more about her, and found that she has worked on all these amazing projects with Native American's and the Women's Resource Center and the community book club for Wilmington and on and on....

So now I must restate the learning:
(1) Librarians are actually keepers of information, that probably know better than I do, how to find something out.

(2) Arrogance and minimal intelligence are bad combinations.

(3) I have more to learn than years to learn it, I better get started.

Peace

And now I'm back, from outer space...

2005-12-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

Once again I have decided to move back to blog land and isolate my webpage and blog from each other. Sometimes I get a little controversial, and now that I'm applying for big boy jobs again, thats not such a great idea. So I'm back, and probably to stay. In addition, I'm going to make a dilligent effort to write in my blog at least once a week. I know some of you are going crazy wondering whats up, and I can barely remember yesterday. So I've scheduled time once a week to write, with a fall back day. I may write more, but at least once a week for sure.

In a vain effort to get everyone caught up, I will attempt to summarize the last few weeks. There has been a great deal of action on all fronts.

First, the big picture. After even more reading and studies, long conversations, and meetings with interesting peoples, the master plan has altered slightly yet again. Currently I will be graduating this may, with my BS in Computer Science and minors in Math and Psychology. In the fall of '06 I will begin, assuming I get accepted, the Masters in Public Administration program at UNCW. Thats basically like an MBA, the business management degree, but for non-profits and government entities. After that, I am currently contemplating going into a Ph.D. program in Economics, but that is completely up in the air right now as I haven't had a single economics course yet to know if I even like it. More about that in the future.

In the non-profit realm, I am now on the board of two official 501(c)(3) non-profits here in Wilmington. The Full Belly Project (http://www.fullbellyproject.org), and the South Eastern Alliance for Community Change (I haven't created their website yet) aka SEACC. I think you all know about the Full Belly Project, if not, check out the website. SEACC is a group that works for community change, by working with local non-profits to help them succeed. I just joined the board, and there are already great things happening. Again, more on that in future posts. I am also being considered for the board of Cape Fear Biofuels, a local cooperative that is forming to provide alternative fuels to gasoline. To learn more about Biofuels, check out http://www.biofuels.coop I will be helping with their website as well, which is also not up yet as I just started.

In activism, Amnesty International at UNCW has been going very well. We are continually recruiting new members, and we had a great year of events. For more, see our website at http://www.aiuncw.org On the peace front, a few friends from Wilmington Peace Meetup (http://peace.meetup.com/96/) and I are working on creating some revolutionary new internet services to empower activists and help eliminate the information overflow from all the action alerts many of us receive. I'll keep you posted on that.

On the health front, for the first thanksgiving ever, I actually LOST weight! Evie and I are working out on a regular basis, and we are both losing weight and have kept it off. Go us!

You probably all want to know whats happening on the job front, because there are some MAJOR developments. But you'll have to tune in next time for that!

I'll leave you with a picture from our last Amnesty International event, a showing of Walmart: The High Cost of Low Price that drew over 300 people!!!

Oil: The Truth (According to the US Gov. Anyway)

2005-10-07T14:41:00.000-05:00

Where does my oil come from? Where should I buy gas? Am I supporting terrorism?

We have all gotten many emails in the recent months about oil and its derivatives including the infamous gasoline. But what is the truth? I don't know that I can offer the truth, but I can offer some official information from the United States Government Department of Energy website. As far as the US Gov. is concerned, they are the authority, so hopefully they are somewhat reliable. Please see the following links to learn more about where your gas comes from, who you are supporting by purchasing that gas, and what the long term situation is with the oil economy.

MOST IMPORTANT is the first link, in which the Dept. Of Energy lists the imports for different companies, and talks about Citgo in the first paragraph on the page. Please read if you want to know the truth about where gas comes from.

Click here for oil suppliers according to our government
(where companies get there oil and who you're supporting by supporting them)

Click here for a great article on Citgo
(why you might want their gas)

Click here for long term oil supply issues by our government
(peak oil, end of the US, what?)

Click here to learn more about oil usage according to our government
(learn how oil is used)

So much to do, so little time...

2005-05-27T13:56:00.000-05:00

Well, everyone is really far behind, so I guess it's time for an update.

I'm currently working for CORMP at the Center for Marine Science, an institution of UNCW. I'm writing software for a new monitoring station that will be anchored close to Johnny Mercer's Pier at Wrightsville beach. I'll spare you the details of the project, but comment that it is really cool to work with devices instead of just software. The device I'm working with is like a minature computer, and I am writing code to control it, and use it to control all the other instruments on the monitoring station. At some point in the future you will be able to see the data coming from that station real time at CORMP's website.

In philanthropic land, there is much to report. I'm finally fully on board with the Full Belly Project. If you don't already know about it, check out their soon to be completely redone website at http://www.fullbellyproject.org. I'm their new webmaster among other roles. I will be doing their website which will involve setting web-enabled project management software, email list serves, and a major news system with blogs for all members. I am also on the research committee, which means a learn and convey to the group information about various things relating to the project. I will also be working with Jock (invented the peanut sheller) to create peanut shellers. I'm really excited because I think the project is going to be very successful, and I now have an integral role in the organization.

We are expecting some major money and support from the concrete industry in the next couple of months, and we already made an agreement with FedEx for free shipping of 2 machines per month to Africa. Isn't that awesome?

Other than that, I'm still trying to finish up all the leftovers from last semester. I may yet have to drop the honors project. I have debated what to do with it for months, and I just don't think I'll have the time to finish it. We'll see what happens. Either way, I'll be doing another honors project for Political Science, probably related to the Full Belly Project.

Evie and I are getting ready to go to Hanging Rock for 5 days, it should be really fun. I'll be sure to post lots of pics when I get back.

Peace and Compassion to you all.

Wake up call

2005-05-22T13:55:00.000-05:00

Hello all, I hope your summer is going well and allowing some well earned relaxation. In a recent update on the situation in Darfur, a read a couple lines of text that really hit me hard. They follow:

"Now, there are growing fears that Darfur's struggle may join the list of long, intractable conflicts on the African continent, including northern Uganda's 19-year war and Burundi's 12-year civil war, in which sporadic fighting has continued despite several peace plans." -
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/16/AR2005051601315.html
I would suggest checking out that article, but that is not why I'm writing you today. I'm writing, because I have been following the global situation for several months now and I'm alarmed at the number of people that do not know what is going on.

There are currently civil wars raging all over the planet, from South American, to Africa, to Asia. Even in some of the poorest countries in the world, in fact usually in the poorest countries in the world, war is a daily way of living. I recently saw a picture of a group of Maoist insurgents in Nepal, and it was ironically frightening. In the midst of an average village in Nepal of mud huts with thatch roofs and dirt streets, there is this assembly of soldiers that are well dressed and well armed. Order within chaos always strikes one, but when that order is the face of a killing force, it is all the more alarming. Don't get me wrong, the Maoist's are not exactly the bad guys. Nepal is one of those situations where both sides are fighting for what they believe in, so it is hard to judge what to do. On the one hand you have King Gyanendra and his well known human rights violating and oppressive monarchy, and on the other hand you have a rebel force that will stop at nothing to overthrow him. Who is right? Who should be in power? How can we help?

Those are all great questions, and I hope that some of them occur to you. However, I'm also aware that they are often followed by statements like "there is nothing we can do" and "its not my problem". That second statement is the one that REALLY scares me. Previously I didn't understand how people could think that way, but since 9/11/2001, I think that form of apathy is dangerous. When are we all going to wake up and realize that these countries throughout the world DO effect our every day lives, from the gas we put in our car, to the clothes we buy at Wal-Mart?

So what do I want from you? You have all committed at some level to protect human rights, wherever they may be in danger. Part of that fight is being knowledgeable about your world, and sharing that knowledge with others. You don't have to start a yelling match with your friends for shopping at Wal-Mart, but you can pass along simple knowledge. For instance, did you know that Citgo gets most of its gasoline from Venezuela? That is a South American country that is NOT affiliated with the middle east in any way, and especially not OPEC. So you can protect human rights by filling up at Citgo. That took 5 minutes of reading, but imagine the impact it could have if everyone I told, told their friends, and so forth!

Sometimes it seems frustrating trying to protect something that is being violated all over the world, but as Margaret Mead said, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." For those of you that want to go that extra step, I recommend reading:
The Green Belt Movement: Sharing the Approach & the Experience by 2004 Nobel Peace Prize winner Wangari Maathai (ISBN 1-59056-040-X)
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbninquiry.asp?ISBN=159056040X&pdf=y

It is an inspiring and highly informative book, explaining the movement that Wangari began in Kenya, Africa. The movement has helped end starvation, disease, and war, by preventing deforestation and desertification. How did they do it? The group has planted nearly 30,000,000 trees. The book shows the power of a simple grass roots movement, and has great advise on how to make one successful. And since the author one a Nobel Prize, I think she knows what she is talking about.

DO SOMETHING

Peace and Compassion to you all,
Sean

The last entry.

2005-05-15T17:46:00.000-05:00

I'm moving my blog to my new website at www.seanwatson.com so this will be my last entry here. Why am I doing this? Now that my life has headed in a new direction, it makes more sense to have my blog combined with my personal website. Previously I didn't do that because my personal views on things could be detrimental to my website, such as when potential employers looked at it. But now that I'm on a career track more in line with my life in general, that is no longer a problem. I don't have to worry about Fortune 500 companies looking at blog entries and saying, "We don't need that guy working for us!" From this point forward, my personal thoughts about the world in general will be what my potential employers WANT to see. Therefore, I'm combining my blog and my website.

In addition, I'm going to quit sending so many emails about taking action, and now I will be posting them on my website instead. We'll see how the new format works and go from there. So check out the new site at www.seanwatson.com and let me know what you think.

Peace and Compassion to you all.

Wakeup Call

2005-05-11T18:59:00.000-05:00

Hello all, I hope your summer is going well and allowing some well earned relaxation. In a recent update on the situation in Darfur, a read a couple lines of text that really hit me hard. They follow:

"Now, there are growing fears that Darfur's struggle may join the list of long, intractable conflicts on the African continent, including northern Uganda's 19-year war and Burundi's 12-year civil war, in which sporadic fighting has continued despite several peace plans." -
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2005/05/16/AR2005051601315.html

I would suggest checking out that article, but that is not why I'm writing you today. I'm writing, because I have been following the global situation for several months now and I'm alarmed at the number of people that do not know what is going on.

There are currently civil wars raging all over the planet, from South American, to Africa, to Asia. Even in some of the poorest countries in the world, in fact usually in the poorest countries in the world, war is a daily way of living. I recently saw a picture of a group of Maoist insurgents in Nepal, and it was ironically frightening. In the midst of an average village in Nepal of mud huts with thatch roofs and dirt streets, there is this assembly of soldiers that are well dressed and well armed. Order within chaos always strikes one, but when that order is the face of a killing force, it is all the more alarming. Don't get me wrong, the Maoist's are not exactly the bad guys. Nepal is one of those situations where both sides are fighting for what they believe in, so it is hard to judge what to do. On the one hand you have King Gyanendra and his well known human rights violating and oppressive monarchy, and on the other hand you have a rebel force that will stop at nothing to overthrow him. Who is right? Who should be in power? How can we help?

Those are all great questions, and I hope that some of them occur to you. However, I'm also aware that they are often followed by statements like "there is nothing we can do" and "its not my problem". That second statement is the one that REALLY scares me. Previously I didn't understand how people could think that way, but since 9/11/2001, I think its obvious that form of apathy is dangerous. When are we all going to wake up and realize that these countries throughout the world DO effect our every day lives, from the gas we put in our car, to the clothes we buy at Wal-Mart?

So what do I want from you? You have all committed at some level to protect human rights, wherever they may be in danger. Part of that fight is being knowledgeable about your world, and sharing that knowledge with others. You don't have to start a yelling match with your friends for shopping at Wal-Mart, but you can pass along simple knowledge. For instance, did you know that Citgo gets most of its gasoline from Venezuela? That is a South American country that is NOT affiliated with the middle east in any way, and especially not OPEC. So you can protect human rights by filling up at Citgo. That took 5 minutes of reading, but imagine the impact it could have if everyone I told, told their friends, and so forth!

Sometimes it seems frustrating trying to protect something that is being violated all over the world, but as Margaret Mead said, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." For those of you that want to go that extra step, I recommend reading:
The Green Belt Movement: Sharing the Approach & the Experience by 2004 Nobel Peace Prize winner Wangari Maathai (ISBN 1-59056-040-X)
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbninquiry.asp?ISBN=159056040X&pdf=y

It is an inspiring and highly informative book, explaining the movement that Wangari began in Kenya, Africa. The movement has helped end starvation, disease, and war, by preventing deforestation and desertification. How did they do it? The group has planted nearly 30,000,000 trees. The book shows the power of a simple grass roots movement, and has great advise on how to make one successful. And since the author one a Nobel Prize, I think she knows what she is talking about.

DO SOMETHING

Peace and Compassion to you all,
Sean

A day in the blender

2005-05-04T16:10:00.000-05:00

Wow, talk about egg on the face! So I'm sitting here waiting for the new Amnesty people to arrive, and its looks like a complete failure. The meeting was supposed to start 10 minutes ago, and NO ONE has shown up. Even one person out of the 16 that were invited would have been fine with me, but no, I'm sitting here by myself as usual. I guess it was just bad timing. Finals just ended, everyone is going home for the summer, just not a good time. Thats one aspect of college life I really hate, its like the whole world stops for the summer.

Oh well, getting to the blender part of it all, its weird because I had two other big events today, one of which already occured and went VERY well. I met with the presidents of VOX (the planned parenthood group on campus), and FMLA (Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance). So I guess it was a day of girl power! Anyway, both groups seem very active and very interested in working together with other groups on campus to promote womens issues. Which of course, fits great with Amnesty's End Violence Against Women campaign.

Now, I'm getting ready for my second trip in history to a bar. Evie and I are going to the Soapbox, a laundromat/bar downtown that is home to many progressive events. My friend Roey is throwing a fundraiser for his art mag (http://www.klutchmag.com) that is a Art/Fashion show, with live music. And most important to me, the peanut guy will be there! Thats right, the elusive returned peace corps member that invented a peanut shelling machine to save the world. I'm so excited to finally see the thing and meet the peanut guy, I can hardly stand it!

Well, its 5:23 which mean its definite no one is coming. So I guess I'll get back to work on organizational stuff for the Amnesty group. Talk to you all soon.

Peace

Another Saturday Night

2005-04-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

Blah...Another day another dollar, -insert additional cliche's here-. Sometimes I just want to take my tent and go live in the woods. I try so damn hard to make things happen, but sometimes I just don't know why. And even if I did, I'm just not sure if I am cut out for this. I just can't seem to spark the fire in people that is burning in me. And I know the first thing some of you would say in response to that is I'm just bragging, but thats not the point. I just don't understand why I'm so inspired to do things to change the world into the great place it could be, and no one else gives a damn. Sure, they give their money to Greenpeace or Feed the Children and think they've made a difference in the world. Some of them even know that that doesn't do the job, but that is all they do anyway. I'm a mobilizer of people, and I have no one to mobilize! Not many things are sadder than that.

Well, I talked to my dad tonight and he gave me some great advice on managing my Amnesty International group. I think we will be a lot more productive once we implement them, so I'm a little psyched about that. I'm also having a meeting with the Full Belly Project people tomorrow night. I think being part of a successful, already established group will help motivate me a little.

Thats all for now, hopefully something a little more interesting soon. Stay tuned...

To be something, nothing, or everything?

2005-04-29T04:06:00.000-05:00

Still a little slow on the blogging, finishing up finals today. Therefore, things should get better soon. I just finished watching I heart huckabees. Wow, that movies is awesome. It dives completely in to the whole existence and meaning issue, and does it with a great story. My favorite part is where Dustin Hoffman's character gives an explanation of how we are all interconnected. He basically uses a blanket to draw an analogy to space-time. All the ideas in the movie have been around for ever, since Plato and Aristotle, but the movies puts them together in a way that is completely entertaining, and makes a lot of sense.

So getting back to the inter-connected thing, its very existentialist/buddhist. I hate to use terms, but we have no other way to communicate. It's really cool if you think about it, we are all connected at least on the material level. Space-time is just one giant sheet, and there is nothing else "outside" the sheet. Everything is part of the sheet, you, me, my computer, everything. Everything is composed of atoms which are energy, which is what makes up the sheet. So we are all the same thing. The cluster of atoms writing this blog is the same as you, the cluster of atoms reading it. And it makes sense on a psychological level too. We all just want to be happy. Whether that means understanding the universe, being rich, having the perfect partner, whatever. We are all the same, we just want to be happy. Sounds pretty simple, but try to remember that when you are thinking about "them". You know, those who we blame for the bad things that happen. Those who destroy our world with polution and war. They are just like us, they just want to be happy. If we can really understand that fact, and we can really understand their point of view, then we can effectively change their minds.

Of course, then the question is, why change their minds?

To be continued...

I'm Back!

2005-04-22T22:19:00.000-05:00

Well, I know you have all been eagerly awaiting my next post, so here it is. Sorry I've been out of touch, things have been crazy as usual. I'll try to give a run down on all fronts:

My Amnesty International project at UNCW (http://fire.bear.uncw.edu/ai-uncw/) is really taking off. We have 6 executive council members, 15 core group members, and 46 extended group members for a total of 67 members!! The core group and executive council members are actively engaged in working on projects, while the extended group members have requested to be kept informed of upcoming events. So we are off to a wonderful start! Also, our Hotel Rwanda event went well, obtaining 55 signatures on our petition, and distributing information about the situation in Darfur to tens of UNCW students. I would say we talked with at least 100 people.

My honors project has had to be extended yet again. This time we agreed that it will be purely to write the thesis though. No more additional work will be done, just finishing the thesis which I already began writing.

I'm doing well in class, will probably end up with 3 A's. Its been tough as two of the class were extremely disorganized. I'll be so glad to get into classes again with rigid structure that require straight forward knowledge. I'm tired of these classes where the prof. tries to make things interesting and instead makes the class really stressful. Their ideas would be great if they were a little more thought out, but since they aren't, it just makes the class really tough. I'm all for hard work when it yields results, but I'm working 4 times as hard as in previous classes and learning only 1/2 as much. Oh well, its almost over now.

I'm poor as hell, and if it wasn't for my wonderful parents, I would have to join the local Buddhist monestary and go out begging. Fortunately I just landed a job at CMS (http://www.uncw.edu/cmsr/) which should start bringing in some money soon.

I've met a lot of interesting people these past few weeks, so many that I've lost track. A new friend named Roey is a fellow activist that has his own magazine being published in Wilmington, and is doing a DIS at UNCW creating a biodiesel reactor which is used to make fuel that can power a diesel car out of used vegetable oil. He also introduced me to a bunch of other people, including a group of returned peace corps volunteers which have an awesome project going to end poverty in countries like Uganda, check it out at http://www.fullbellyproject.org/ I also learned more about a really awesome former UNCW student Adrien Lopez that I have become e-pen pals with. She is going to grad school in Chile and doing various philanthropic work there and in neighboring countries.

Finally, I got my lazy duff back in the gym this week. Back to working out steadily and doing the induction phase of South Beach again. I plateaued after losing that first 40 pounds, so now I'm trying to break through and lose another 10. I've gotten good at maintaining a certain weight, so I think I can use the 2 week period to lose weight, and then maintain that new weight for a little bit. Then I'll do another 2 weeks a month or so later. I figure I'll be at my ideal weight by the end of the summer. And its never been easier, because I've found so many great things to eat. In particular, I've developed a real love for sushi. I eat it all the time now. One of the best places is Asian Buffet, which is one of those big buffet type places. But its great because its cheap and they have a sushi bar as part of the buffet. So I eat just sushi and get the same meal I would at a sushi resteraunt, but for no where near the price! I've also become a fan of smoked salmon, but I try not to eat it too much. For one, I can only afford it when its on sale at Harris Teeter; and for two smoked foods contain carcinogens (cancer causing elements).

Alright, that should bring you just about up to date. I promise to continue regular blogging again now. At the very least I will post once a week. I'm also adding back the ability to put comments on my entries, so feel free to argue with me!

Peace and Compassion

Schiavo, Congress, What in the world?

2005-03-22T12:00:00.000-05:00

What in the hell does congress have to do with Terry Schiavo? I don't care if you think she should be allowed to die or not, it's not Congress' job to intervene and take over on such an occasion. We have more than enough levels of court to handle such a case. Thousands are dying around the world and nobody cares. One lady left wishes to die if incapacitated, and the whole country is in an uproar! Were the hell were all these people when 800,000 people were dying in Rwanda? We are so reactionary it is not even funny. Why can't people think ahead, instead of just sitting around waiting for it to all fall apart?

Come on people, just think a little ahead? Is that so much to ask?

Another Crazy Experiment

2005-03-21T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my hunger strike. Not that I'm suprised, one day is really not that tough. Of course, I did get severe food poisoning when I finally did eat, and spent all of Sunday throwing up and in bed. But, it was worth it. Most of the people I sent my email to signed the petition, so my goal was accomplished. In addition I came just a little closer to understanding what it is like to be in one of the places I'm trying to help. When the hunger pains were at their worst, I would think of how I could simply go to the fridge and eat something. But the people that are in places like Sudan, they have no choice. When the hunger pains come for them, they have to just suffer. My experience was taken even farther by the food poisoning incident. While I was miserable, at least it was in an air conditioned apartment, with love and support from others. (In particular my amazing girlfriend, Evie who took excellent care of me). I was able to lay on my comfortable bed, take anti-nausea medicine, and minimize my suffering. And once I was feeling a little better, I could munch on ice chips, and then worked my way up to popcicles. Meanwhile, my counterparts in Darfur will likely die from dehydration. I don't know that you will ever understand where I am coming from, or why I feel the way that I do, but when you experience something like that it changes you. Sometimes things happen to you and you just realize what you need to do. And regardless of what anyone else thinks, you have to do it.

Thank you all for your encouragement, advise, and words of wisdom. While you may think this was an excercise in futility, you do not understand the effect it has had on me. While I was happy to be part of a movement involving over 2000 people, I am even more happy with the personal growth I have experienced. I had lost a little steam, through a lack of support; but now my motivation is renewed and I know that I must continue to push myself. What I have done is not great, anyone could do it. But I did it, thats what matters. Its easy to say, "anyone could do that", its tough to actually do it. Maybe some of my forays into philanthropy will end in failure, and maybe I will feel that I made a mistake sometimes; but only through attempting to do something will it ever be possible to make a difference. And that is not a difference for me or my ego, it is a difference for the human race. I am just a cog in the machine, playing my little role. Maybe there is no meaning, and I'm just fooling myself. But currently, I feel this is what I must do, so I do it. Tomorrow things may change, but right this second, I do what I think I should. I hope you can all say that as well. Be true to your selves, and worry not what others think. I listen to you all, but in the end I have to do what I think is right. I hope you can understand that, even if you don't understand me.

May your hearts by filled with compassion for all...

Its Been A While

2005-03-13T16:53:00.000-05:00

Things have been just crazy round here. Research, lectures, recitals, seems like the minute I get home, its time to go again. Learning a lot as usual, just not a lot of time for reflection. The Amnesty group is shaping up nicely. We're up to 8 members in the core group, which is 3 more than the usual 5 found throughout the country. And whats even better, they are all highly motivated and actually want to do stuff, not just participate. I think the group is going to take off big time over the next few weeks.

My honors project is coming along nicely, I should be finally completely finished with the coding this week. I'll spend the next two to three weeks writing, then my committee will review the paper, and then I make last minute changes just in time for the end of the semester. A close finish, but it will be a finish. My classes are all going well. Learning lots of cool stuff about the brain, math, and flash programming. Doing a little work on the side for one of the Psychology professors; nothing too fancy but money is money at this point. I also may have a job lined up for this summer through next summer as the project head of research for a project on campus. It deals with human recognition of computer rendered faces, such as that used in police investigations. Thats about all I know so far, but it sounds very interesting.

So I guess I should get to what you all are dying to hear. I believe I'm going to spend one more year at UNCW. After long consideration, talking with multiple professors, and all my friends and relatives, I'm sure of two things; one, they all think I'm crazy, and two, I think I'm doing the right thing. Throughout our lives, we have to make decisions between what we want to do, and what we need to do. Usually we have to decide whether to waiver on what we believe we should do, to make sure our lives are sustainable. While I believe in pragmatism, I also am an obvious idealist. I believe that I can work to change the path this world is currently headed down, and I believe that it is not a choice that I'm worthy of making. It is a duty, to my fellow humans, to do what I can to set things right. Why is it my duty, why me? I have a lot to learn about everything, and I need a lot of work on my levels of tolerance and the like; but I am also very experienced in these areas, experience which gives me opportunities.

Some people are just too closed minded to walk a progressive path, and some are just too open minded. Through my life experiences, and learning from many wonderful people, I have come to a level of existence where I feel I can see problems from an objective point of view. While their may be no true objective point of view, I am fairly good at understanding may other peoples viewpoints. I am striving to improve this ability every day. I think what makes myself and people like me somewhat unique is purely our life experiences. I have been on all sides of the fence; the popular easy to follow side, the unpopular tough path, and on the fence itself, not sure of what to do. Given these experiences, I feel that I can see most sides to a conflict, which allows me to formulate solutions that are agreeable to all. If you really try hard, you can see what it is that motivates people. Once you know there motivations, you can work with them, instead of against them.

There is not such thing as inherent evil, all evil comes from a lack of understanding and respect. Hitler for example, was one of the most "evil" people of our times. But why was he "evil"? His main flaw, was a lack of respect for human rights. In particular, he could not see the true equality of all humans. If Hitler had understood that we are all truly equal, the holocaust would not have happened. Why did he not see it? Because of years of persecution, which led to an immense hatred. Hatred, and blinding vengeful anger, those were Hitlers weaknesses. If we can prevent such hatred from arising in individuals, then we can prevent the loss of respect for human life.

What is my point? My point is that I believe I have the ability to do what I've said needs to be done. I believe that I MUST do what I can, because I owe it to my fellow man. I don't know if there is some ultimate meaning, and I don't know if I'm just wasting my time; what I do know is that I have an ability to stop the horrific things occurring around me, and I feel compelled to do so.

All my life I have tried to help people, and find a way for us all to live together in a happy and peaceful co-existence. Some think I'm an idealistic dreamer, but then I have to reply that so are all my heroes. Undoubtedly Gandhi made some mistakes; but he got an entire nation to stand up and be heard. He got people to realize that we must be active, and we must avoid complacency at all cost. Often when I say that to people they laugh and say, "so you are going to be Gandhi?" My reply to you all "WHY NOT?" One doesn't aspire to be Gandhi, Jesus, or anyone else. One simply does what he or she can to make things right. The rest, as they say, is history. Gandhi didn't set out to be Gandhi, he set out to make people see the madness in what they were doing, and to stop it. And best of all, he sought to do that through education, not force. He always said that we will all receive many blows, but we must not strike back. We will make them see that what they are doing is wrong, and then THEY will decide to stop. Does non-violence always work? I don't know. But I do believe that in the end, compassion always wins out. Anger naturally dies off, but compassion naturally grows. Over time, compassion will always win out.

And so it is with me. My compassion for the human race, and for that matter every living creature, has surpassed my worries of poverty and pain for myself. You all worry that I will suffer, be it by financial poverty or another way. I say to you, do I not already suffer? Am I not already torn apart emotionally on a daily basis by what I see around me? You think I walk toward suffering, but in fact I'm walking away. My suffering comes from apathy, and inactivity. My suffering comes from the ability to do something, and yet I find myself setting still. My suffering comes from a wasted life, and now my suffering is over. I may suffer on the physical plane, but for the first time in my life, I do not suffer on the mental plane. Deep within myself, I know that I am in the pursuit of what is right; and there is no other path for me. I have found the path I'm mean to walk on, and now I take the first step...

Off To A Slow Start

2005-03-03T16:32:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm on day 11 of the Emptiness Manifesto, and I'm still alive (as Pearl Jam would say). I have had some rather bad instances, mainly in diet and attitude, but I'm still here. I have a recommited sense to what I'm doing, and I will do these last 20 days the right way even if it drives me nuts. The one thing that has gone perfectly is my exercise routine. I have been every day and am maintaining 5.10-5.30 miles per day in distance. I haven't felt up to the task of another 10 mile trot yet, but I'm sure I will before its all over.

Still reading Che's biography, wow is that book thick! I'm positive without a doubt that it is the thickest book I have ever read. And it is very enlightening. I've learned so much about political systems, social norms and influences, and personal philosophy that it amazes me. I think I'm finally starting to understand the power of books. Movies are great for deliever information quickly, but books let you stew on the info a bit. You can think about what you believe and how it all relates. Movies allow this also, but only after the movie is over. With books you continue the trend throughout the entire reading. Plus, it is rare I have found a movie that led me to other sources of information; but with books, you run across source after source of further study. Anyway, Che really did lead a revolutionary life. His escapades with Fidel Castro to take over and reform Cuba were just the surface. The way he conducted himself in war was brilliant. He was much less focused on killing and violence, and very focused on education and productivity. In fact, one of the first things he did once the rebels had secured some land, was build a hospital, a bread oven, and a school. While I disagree with his call for a bloody revolution being the only way to change things, I think he does offer some valid ideas about how to institute change. In particular, the events in Cuba really help you understand just how important economics, propagand, and the peoples favor really are.

In other news, I had my first official panic attack last night. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking about what to do with the rest of my life. The thoughts just kept swirling faster and faster and all of the sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so weird because me first thought was that I was having a panic attack, just like I learned about in Psychopathology. Then I thought, no, you're just being stupid, but when things didn't calm down, I realized it really was happening. After about five minutes of mental back and forth, I started meditating on the sound of the clock ticking in our room, and I finally calmed down. I didn't get much sleep though, nor have I the past few nights. I laid in bed trying, but I just can't slow my mind down. I feel like a giant vice is wrapped around me crushing more and more each day. And no matter how much I think about it, the vice just keeps tightening. Next week I'm going to talk to a couple of profs at school about what I should do. Hopefully that will help, but I'm not sure. Its just one of those situations were EVERYBODY thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but no matter how much I think about it, I don't feel I am. Albeit, I have made mistakes before, so I'm worried they are right, but on the other hand, I'm not getting any useful alternatives. I wish I could just be like everyone else and do the standard thing, but I just can't. My brain won't let me, its just too stuborn. Its been almost two weeks now, and I'm more confused than ever. I'm willing to do whatever I have to, I just don't know what it is that I should do.

I've tried to live the life where you work 8-5 and then do what you want the rest of the time, it just doesn't work for me. I want more than that. I want a job where I do what I believe in, where I have an impact, not just some mediocre existence. Its not about being great, its about knowing that I'm doing the best I can to make things right. I don't care if I never get recognition, seeing positive change is reward enough.

Well, I better cut it short before I freak out again. I have a feeling these next few weeks are going to be tough on me. As always, I'm open to suggestions. I've got plenty of people telling me what I'm doing wrong, I would love to have some alternative suggestions.

PEACE

Viva la Revolucion!

2005-02-19T16:38:00.000-05:00

Thats right, the fat man just finished an astounding 10.01 miles on the ole eliptical rider. Bow down and worship me now! Just kidding. But seriously, I have a renewed sense of control over my body and my destiny. Knowing that where I am headed is dictated within some bounds by the universe at the very least(and often by other sources), I still have the ability to control where I fall within those bounds. Be it the overwhelming sense of accomplishment at my first major physical feat in a while, or two hours of reading Ernesto "Che" Guevara's biography "A Revolutionary Life", I have a new emboldened outlook which I plan to take advantage of immediatly. In my never ending battle with laziness, diet, exercise, and philosophy, I have decided to write a manifesto. I'm a quickly learning that all great things start with a great plan. I now have the life experience to understand just how important it is to make that plan concrete, even if you will not always be able to stick to it. In this mindset, I have decided to write a manifesto for the next 1 month of my life. I will dictate diet, exercise, philanthropic pursuits, academic pursuits, and stress relief activities.

On a side note, things are getting rolling with my attempt to start an Amnesty International (AI) student group. I've made contact with several key people at UNCW and AI, and I am currently searching for a core group of members as well as a faculty advisory board. It is my hope that with my 2 years of experience as president of the UNCW ACM, as well as one year on student government, that I will be successful in building a self-sustaining group before departing UNCW.

I have also now written 4 letters to foreign governments on behalf of various political prisonsers. I would like to do more, but I refuse to take any action until I fully understand the circumstances surrounding an individuals case. Amnesty does a great job of providing background info as well as links to external news sources so that you can fully understand the situation before taking action. Unfortunatly it takes time to do all the reading, so I can only respond to so many calls to action. That is one thing I hope to change with the UNCW group. We can have individuals responsible for reading up on the different campaigns currently taking place within Amnesty, and report back to the group. That way, we can all make informed decisions about a course of action.

All in all, I think this semester is going to be a major turning point in my life. In fact, it already has. But I feel that the changes are just beginning.

If you want to keep up to date on the UNCW groups progress, I have set up a temporary website at http://www.seanwatson.com/aiuncw/ Progress will not be apparent at first as I am currently rallying up members and paperwork. But once things get rolling, I will make continual updates. Stay tuned!

Peace and Compassion

The word of the day is...Perseverance

2005-02-17T19:36:00.000-05:00

I think I spelled that right. Anyway, time for an update. First, I would like to commment on my postings. Several of you have commented over the past week or so that you were suprised by one of my entries, and even more suprised by the removal of it. Let me start by saying that this site was created for me to throw my thoughts at in an attempt to log them for future reflection. Having said that, I'm also aware that many of you now read it regularly. Given that, I will no longer post highly aggressive comments unless they are created in a calm and collected state. I have created a seperate place for storing my emotionally charged rhetoric, that only I have access too. This way I don't duplicate effort, and you don't have to endure my sometimes overwhelming emotion.

Moving on, things are going well. I'm just about done with my research and ready to write my thesis. I had a productive meeting with my advisor today and he agrees. I should have a very rough draft up for reading on my website in the next week or two. I will post a link to it here when that happens.

The job hunt is going slow, but I may be able to get a research position here at the university. That would be excellent because it would give me PAID research experience while I'm waiting to go to grad school. Speaking of which, NYU and Univ. of Colorado at Boulder are now my top two choices. I'm actually leaning towards NYU now because of the culture there. The access to intellectual stimuluation is almost too much to pass up. Alternatively, Randy O'reilly at UC Boulder is my twin with respect to interests. It will be a tough choice, but before I worry about making it, I'll see who accepts me. Other choices vary, but a more complete list will appear this fall when I'm applying.

Evie and I are having a great time attending lots of lectures and seeing movies. Working out 6 days a week still, diet is going ok, could be better. I think I'm going to have to go through another strict phase though. Currently contemplating the methodology for it. I'm thinking along the lines of a Rohatsu like statement of rules to be followed for one month. I need to get on a strict regiment for a little bit. The lack of structure and complete focus on research has me going nuts.

Another BIG development is my decision to start an Amnesty International(AI) student group at UNCW. It is going to be tough with me leaving in a few months, but I've laid out a plan to get a group going and keep it moving forward without me. My hope is that I will be able to leave the area having successfully go it on its feet. I've already corresponded with AI and have materials on the way. I'm currently looking for students and one or multiple faculty advisors. I have lots of great ideas, and unlike my stint as ACM President, I think it will be a fully functional group. The ACM had too much room for varied interests, AI is much more focused. Therefore interested parties will be more in line with my ideas for where the group should go, and what it should accomplish. More on that as it happens.

Hope you are all doing well.

Peace

Loosing Steam

2005-02-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

Well, its one of those days. The kind where you have a thousand things to do, and none of them intrest you. I've got so much to do I'm ready to go nuts, and yet, I can't bring myself to do any of it. I guess its an endorphin low cause I ate a bunch of crap last night, and didn't get to work out today. I was reading my previous post and wondering how I can feel this way when at other times I have so much passion. Thyroid, brain, some other malfunctioning organ? Maybe. Or maybe I'm just to busy doing a lot of pointless crap to get to my end goal, and I don't have enough meaning in my life. If I were a professor, I'd be set. I would have spare time for philanthropic pursuits, I would convey knowledge and influence students daily, and I wouldn't have to worry about money. Right now I'm in quite the opposite situation. I've got 4-7 years to go before being a prof, and I'm running out of steam. I know the ultimate goal is worth it, I just forget some times. I need more short term things that I can get a feeling of accomplishment from. All these long term goals and no short term are the problem I think. I'm just SOOOOO busy, I don't know how to do it. I've got all these long term goals that are about complete, and they HAVE to be completed soon. So I can't start anything else.

Oh well. Don't even have any good writing in me today, just whining. Guess I'll get back to research and push on through. Hopefully after tomorrows workout I'll be re-energized.

Peace and Love

When the Man Comes Around

2005-02-13T23:00:00.000-05:00

So what do we do? Answers? Anyone? The more I learn, the less I know about where to direct my action. I think, I learn, and I talk to others. The more I learn, the closer I get to making the difference that I so desperately want to make. For me, NO. For humanity. Does it make me feel good, yes. Does it make me happy to make a difference even if its not a real difference, yes. But what do I really want? I want true equality. I want true elimination of suffering for us all. I want those who know nothing but suffering to have chance to make it. I want those with more millions than they know what to do with, to realize the value of human life. Why am I so crazy and so out on a limb for feeling this way? Why don't we all value life the way I do? We do, we just forget it, or we never understand it. So my goal, make the masses understand it. I guess I really do think the many outway the one, but I'm not sure. I definetly am ready to give my life for the mass, but why I'm not sure. Maybe its pure rebellion against my genes, maybe I just want to do whatever goes against them. But maybe I'm glimpsing the true meaning of it all on occasion. Maybe the rare occasion when I think I know what is right, I'm correct. Maybe I need to quit listening so much to those mindless masses around me. I see the path, and I'm just to chicken shit to walk it. God forbid I be uncomfortable. What I really need to do is make a sacrifice. My pleasure, to releave someone elses pain. That is where I want to be. That, is what I want to do. Its about making those who value the green, value the peach. Those who value the solid coin, value the soft flesh. Value the humanity that surrounds them. Somewhere in that capitalist empire called the US lies the true heart of America. And that is where my salvation lies. I just have to find the path that will lead me to the understanding required to make the difference I am here to make. Does my life have meaning, I don't know. Such questions are for philosophers and theoligans, what matters to me is real. What can I do here, and now. I know I'm on the right path, but the constant questioning of all that surrounds me, that is what I must continue. This new world which I have glimpsed is where I must live. I must find a way to be here at all times, in all situations. The path continues...

Earthly Stuff

2005-02-04T22:17:00.000-05:00

I guess my past few writings have been a little off in space. I guess its about time for a good ole down to earth update. Classes are going well for the most part. I've dove in head first to Physiological Psychology which is about the only neuroscience type course I have had or will have as an undergrad. The professor is awesome, and I got a book he recommended reading before grad school that has been exetremely useful. Example, our book for the class only has 3 pages listed in the index for info about the Basal Ganglia, the new book he recommended has an entire chapter on it! Obviously a little better. Its not that he picked a bad book, the book we have is great. Its just that at the undergrad level you don't usually get as in depth about things. But since I'm taking the class purely to prepare for grad school, I figured I should go the extra distance.

Health is going good to. I've hit a little bit of a plateau in weight loss, but I'm determined to beat it. I've moved up to working out 6 days a week. MWF and Saturday I run 5 miles on the eliptical rider, and on Tuesday and Thurs I do 2 and a half. I added the tues and thurs to help with the plateau, and to help with my energy levels. I seem to do better on days I work out, so I thought maybe I should work out every day. So far its working pretty well. I'm exhausted by the end of the day, but being at school 7am-6pm 5 days a week will do that to anyone.

Research is coming along also. I'm finally getting close to some results worth viewing. I also started writing my thesis. I think it should end up being pretty good. At the very least I've learned A LOT for grad school. And I'm happy to say that I finally feel ready. As some of you know, about a year ago I was ready academically, but I just didn't feel ready. I'm beyond that now. I feel totally prepared, now I just have to get past the GREs.

Things are going well with Evie also. We're hanging out with her parents a lot more now, and I love them. The other night we all went out for sushi and I asked her dad if I could try some of his Saki. I've always wanted to try it, but never had the chance. For those who don't know, Saki is a Japanese form of wine made from rice. The big difference is that unlike typical wine with ~7% alcohol, Saki has ~15% by content. By the end of the night we had finished four bottles, and I was feeling pretty good! We were supposed to all go to a jazz concert with a blind pianist, but it was cancelled due to bad weather where the band was coming from. So Evie and I went to Barnes and Noble instead, and in my drunken state we had a two hour discussion on everything under the sun. It was very philosophical, and enlightening. Honestly, I don't know how she put up with me! :)

I guess thats enough for now. I'll try to start writing more regularly about life events in addition to my occasional crazy philosphical entries. By for now.

The Meaning of Life

2005-01-29T17:49:00.000-05:00

All of us are either in pursuit of, or living out our version of, the meaning of life. For some of us, there is religion. For others the search for meaning itself, is the meaning. And still others see no meaning, they just live because they see no point in dying either.

Truely being able to know the meaning of life is considered subjective by some, an objective by others. Some of us feel that there is a specific non-changing meaning to life, even if it eludes us. Others of us feel that the meaning changes from person to person; that our specific interactions and knowledge redefine the meaning in some way for each of us.

Regardless of the meaning, I'm confident that most of us don't think we've found it yet. We may think we are on the right track, but we don't feel that we have a full understanding and appreciation for where that track ends.

I was recently reading a book by a Psychiatrist who was a prisoner in Auschwitz (Man's Search for Meaning - Dr. Viktor E. Frankl), which I highly recommend to anyone that has the ability to read. The first half of the book is about his experiences in several concentration camps over a three year period, including Auschwitz. The second half of the book is about a form of therapy he developed, or at least helped develop, called Logotherapy. In a nutshell, the main part of Logotherapy is to analyze a persons goals, and what they live for. It is not so much concerned with the past and crazy psychotherapeutic theories. It does consider that past, because as we all know, that shapes who we are. But it recognizes that the problem we all face is meaning, and without meaning, our psychological attitudes become bruised. I would recommend the book to all, it is a short and fast read, yet amazingly insightful.

Anyway, the reason I mention the book is there was a story that especially got me to thinking. Frankl was talking about some form of monkey that continually has blood drawn via a painful puncture several times a day. The research is to cure some disease such as cancer, unfortunately I do not remember what disease. But the point was that while the monkey's suffering will lead to the saving of many lives some day (maybe even thousands), the monkey is not capable of understading this. Therefore that "meaning" of his/her life is unknown to him/her, and can never be known. In much the same way, it is possible that we are unable to understand the meaning our lives hold.

However, I have come up with an interesting sub-meaning. The reason the monkey cannot understand his/her great importance is because of a lack of knowledge. One can debate over the technicalities of this statement, but whether due to a lack of physiological mechanisms, or a lack of experience, the point is that knowledge is why the monkey does not understand. Given that idea, one can say that if the monkey where to gain knowledge, through whatever mechanism, he/she might someday understand just how much of an impact he/she has had on the human race.

In the same line of thinking, I began to understand why the human mind is continually chaning our goals. As we acquire more information we begin to understand that certain existing goals are not important, while other non-existing goals are important. So we are continually changing what our goals are in order to pursue that which is really important. Stated another way, we are continually changing the distance between the person we are, and the person we want to be. That concept, known as self-actualization is one of the main drives of the human race. We have some ideal of what we want to do, we picture how to do it, and then we make that picture a reality.

My father taught me this concept early on in relation to basketball. I was having trouble with foul shots at the time, so he gave me a mini-lesson in self-actualization. He told me to sit before the game, and picture myself on the court. See myself going through the various movements, and see the ball going through the hoop. Seems life a pretty simple idea, and in fact it is. But that does not mean it is not powerful. After a couple games of trying the technique, I got to the point where I often made 2 out of 2 foul shots, and usally made at least 1. Previously, I usually didn't make either one.

Thinking of that story, I began to realize that we are all in a continual race to self-actualize. We have developed morals, values, and beliefs that we are trying to follow. We all make mistakes, but some things we finally master. Sometimes the triumphs are small, sometimes they are large. The key is that we are continually trying to stick to these "rules" for ourselves.

I believe that this attempt to become the person we want to be is, at the very least, a sub-meaning of life. We continually attempt to follow our rules, and we continually alter our rules to make them more correct. All the while we are striving to become the person we want to be, a person that does the right thing ALL the time. While we may say that is not possible, deep down we know it is. And that is what all of us are striving to do. Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, id doesn't matter; we are all attempting to follow our beliefs. And since those beliefs are ever changing, so are we. But there may come a day, when we catch up to our beliefs; a day of self-actualization. And when that day comes, we will know that our lives have not been for nothing. We will know that we have found, at the very least, part of the meaning of our life.

Thats just the way it is...some things will never change...don't you believe it

2005-01-19T21:59:00.000-05:00

Words from one of my favorite songs of all time; The Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby. I saw The Motorcycle Diaries tonight, so I got to thinking; a lot. The movie is about a man named Ernesto Guevara (also known as "CHE" or Che Guevara. It chronicles his trip with a friend in which they drove most, if not all, of the way from bottom to top of South America. Over the many months of their journey, they were exposed to the injustices found throughout the many countries. Che became the man who started a revolution. In 1967, the CIA is accused of capturing and killing Che, mainly because of his ties with Fidel Castro. After seeing the movie, I'm not sure what happened, but I plan to learn more.

Meanwhile, there is an even more intriguing case on our own continent, the case of Leonard Peltier. He is a native american that was wrongfully imprisoned and is considered by many organizations, including Amnesty International, to be a political prisoner. To learn more about his case, see LeonardPeltier.org and FreePeltier.org

Sometimes, I'm so ashamed of our country, I just don't know what to do. Maybe its all an illusion, but what if I'm wrong? Maybe this reality is all there is, and what am I doing to improve it?

This one is going to take some time to digest.

The reality of apathy...

2005-01-15T21:56:00.000-05:00

I had a most interesting and fortunately unamazing experience tonight. I was sitting in the car outside Harris Teeter waiting for Evie who was inside. Two twenty something guys came walking out, and as they passed a shopping cart someone had carelessly left by the entrance, it began to move. First it spun around slowly, and then headed out into the road through the parking lot. The two looked at it, laughed, and moved on without stopping it. I'm sure they assumed it would hit a curb and stop; or possibly a parked car, but thats not there problem.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the car thinking the same thing. It looked as though it would hit a curb, but then it turned slightly and was going straight down the road through the parking lot. At this point I got a little nervous, but I saw a person heading toward it and figured he would grab it. He was pushing a cart toward the store, looked at the cart rolling with some speed now through the parking lot alone, walked within a few inches of it, and just let it keep rolling!

Now let me point out, this was at 9 at night, and other than the guy, there was nobody else around, and no cars moving in the lot. He was the only person at all, so there is no way he didn't see the cart. If he simply would have reached out his hand, he could have grabbed it, but he didn't.

At this point I start to think I should do something. The cart is slowly heading toward a main road, and if it were to make it, the exit of the parking lot is steep and has trees by it. Translation, the cart would pick up speed, come flying out from behind the trees, and probably cause a major traffic accident. Once again the cart is heading toward a curb, and I'm hopeing it will hit. But it doesn't. At this point I decided to take action. I turned on the headlights and floor it, race up and cut the cart off with my car. Fortunately, it had stopped right before I got to it, otherwise I might not have made it in time.

Why is this extremely boring story interesting? Because it showed me just how lazy, apathetic, and detached(in a bad way) we have all become. Would it be that insane for us to recognize other people and events outside our own little world? We are each so caught up in our own little dramas, that we never see the big picture. At least, not until its too late. The gym is one of the best places to see what I'm talking about. Every time I got there, I ride the eliptical rider for 65 minutes. And while I read, I notice the people around me. We are all right there, just feet from each other, and yet, its as though we don't know those around us exist. And eye contact! Oh no, anything but eye contact!!! That would mean we actually do recognize there are other people on the planet!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing others, I'm mainly talking about myself here. I mean, people could have died tonight, and in at least some sense, it would have been my fault. Why? Because I was to lazy, to afraid, to apathetic to stop a simple shopping cart. Why? Oh no, that would look weird! A guy drives up in a cart to stop a cart from rolling through a parking lot? Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. But I of all people should not even have those thoughts. I'm striving to be the non-attached, enlightened, pursuer of truth. Yet I'm so terrified of other people I hesitate to do the right thing when there are lives at stake.

I can't help but keep thinking of the classic case of bystander apathy we learn about in psychology. Were there was a girl who was attacked in an apartment complex, and after 20 or 30 people started looking, the attacker ran off. But then, no police came, no one went to help the girl, and so the guy came back and finished her off. Simply by walking out on the balcony and saying, "Hey, leave her alone." they might have scared off the assailant. Calling the cops might have helped too. But everyone assumed someone else would do it. It wasn't there problem. And they just stood and watched a girl get murdered.

Now, its easy for all of us to stand back and say we would have done something. But here was a complex were AT LEAST 30 people witnessed the incident, and did nothing about it. On the one hand in turns my stomach to think people can be so blatantly stupid. On the other hand, a similar event just happened to me! Who am I to say anything, I was tested and failed just the same. I know what you are thinking, "it was just a cart, nobody would have gotten hurt." And maybe that is true, but it was also possible for the cart to run out in the road and result in a major traffic accident that could have killed multiple people. Obviously I should have acted. When I think about it now, there is no reason I should have waited so long. The instant the last guy didn't stop the cart, I should have head toward it to stop it. Just in case. I mean, I was just sitting there watching it happen like I was watching a movie. It took everything I had to snap out of it and chase down the cart.

So the moral of the story is this; I had a little satori tonight and realized that I am FAR to controlled by those around me. How can I expect others to change when I am so controlled myself? Therefore I will make a concious effort from this point forward to break the binding chains of social influence. Not to be rebelious, but to be who I truely am. I refuse to feel so helpless again, when I have the ability to act at my disposal. I hope you all will do the same.

Ramblings in pursuit of the truth...

2005-01-10T18:41:00.000-05:00

How are we any different than a computer? We have no creation of thought from within the brain. Every thought is the result of a stimulus or is the result of a thought that was the result of a stimulus. All of our neurons are firing all the time at very small levels. Occasionally something happens that cause the level of a group to jump and causes a chain reaction that results in a thought. The thought then causes other thoughts to be created and a chain is followed to some end. The end, usually being that the chain of thought is interupted by another thought.

Example: You are looking at a bird. Photons reflected off the bird strike your retina and cause rods and cones(neurons) to fire. This causes more neurons to fire and the chain reaction works its way back into the occipital lobe where the info is interpreted. Result, you see the bird. Then, you may think about a past experience of seeing a similar bird. However, that thought was not created by you. It did not come about through some mystical conciousness. When the occipital lobe recieved the info from the eyes, it automatically actived the hippocampus to recall past memories related to the image. This happens for many reasons, one being that your primal systems are evaluating the image to determine if the objects in it pose any sort of threat. For instance, if the scene you were looking at was a person with a gun, you memory systems would "remind" you that this is dangerous, and you would leave the area (hopefully with some speed!). But those supposedly random thoughts you had about a day hike in California when you saw the same bird where NOT the result of a soul or mind, or anything metaphysical; they were the result of the hippocampus focusing your attention.

How is that any different than my computer? I put input in, and it responds accordingly. It knows it is turned on (power system monitors), knows when it is getting tired (battery monitor), and could easily be programmed to know it will "die" in the future. Now that is an interesting part though: does a computer "know" it is going to die? If we taught a learning computer (one with a neural network) about death and how all things die (even planets and galaxies), would it ever think about its own death? I suppose we could teach the computer to analyze everything based on itself, and then it would think about its own death. But then if we can teach a computer anything, what makes us any different?

Off we go...

2005-01-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

The semester is off to a roaring start. Everything seems to be going great. Heres a breakdown of what I'm taking:
CSC/MAT 325 - Numerical Methods (mathematical programming)
PSY 456 - Physiological Psychology (the physiology of the brain, how it works)
CSC 475 - Machine Vision (how to build eyes for a computer)
CSC 112 - Flash Programming (how to write flash programs, duh)
FST 318 - Screenwriting I (WOW! Bet that one caught you off guard? In an attempt to live the way I want from this point forward, I have decided to take up screen writing and give it a try. No, I don't want to make movies for a living, this is purely a hobby. I love movies, I love writing, and I have all kinds of great ideas for movies. Hence, it only makes sense that I would do screen writing! So I am.)

Of course, I will continue working in Dr. Keiths lab, and on my honors project. As well I will try to work 5 or 10 hours a week at GE. Sounds like a lot, but I really enjoy everything I'm doing, so its not difficult.

On the research front, I'm moving full steam ahead as well. Dr. Tag and I discussed writing up part of my project for a conference in May today, as well as taking a paper on the whole project to one of the conferences in Canada I mentioned previously. One way or the other, I'm going somewhere!

Working out is going well, and my daily food intake is appropriate. Still having a little trouble switching from soda to water, but I'm doing better than I was previously.

Just about finished with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, although I think I'm going to have to re-read it. I'm starting to grasp what hes talking about, but when I first started reading the last few chapters of the book, he blew me away. Hes writing along casually jumping back and forth between the story of a trip he and his son took, and some vague philosophical ideas. Then, all of the sudden, WHAM! He smacks down a logical attack rarely seen. I plan to meditate on some of the ideas he discusses and then write about them. They all have to do with the gap between science and art, those that love technology and those that fear it, classical thought and romantic thought. However you want to say it, I think you probably know what I mean.

I'm going to re-read the first half of Zen and the Art of Archery, it also got really deep all of the sudden. I got really lost to the point I think re-reading is the only way to get back on track.

Well, that about brings you up to date. Some more philosophical thoughts coming soon.

Another one bites the dust...

2005-01-02T20:55:00.000-05:00

Well 2004 is now behind us, and 2005 is moving ahead full steam. In the spirit of Buckminster Fuller I plan to treat this year as an experiment in human nature. Mainly, I plan to write in my journal a lot more in order to track thoughts and ideas throughout the year and at different points. At various times throughout the year I will reflect on the past months and draw some conclusions. In the end I may use the information to write a Chautauqua. No, this is not a New Years resolution, just something I decided to try, and the beginning of the year is a good time to start.

As for New Years resolutions, I do believe they are important. While we always need to focus on what we are doing, sometimes we need to make a special occasion to focus even harder. Every now and then we need reminders of what we are doing, otherwise we get caught up in the day to day and forget about it. My new years resolution is simple: I will be more mindful. This means a lot of things, one of which is being more aware of my breathing, an meditating throughout the day, not just in special sessions. When I am angry, stressed, nervous, or in any other negative state, I will return to focus on my breathing. I began doing this at the end of last year, and it can be very effective. Of course, the goal is to eliminate such feelings, but a first step is to prevent feelings from overwhelming actions.

The big obstacle for the year that I hope to overcome with more focused mindfulness is a lack of compassion. While I have a very compassionate appearance, there are seeds of anger deep within that I carry about with me. For instance, the inability of others to act in ways that make things easier and better for those around them. Things such as bad driving, and groups of people standing in a hall way blocking it while talking. Normally these things make me very angry, and I have developed a negative and seperatist view of the rest of society. When something bad happens, instead of trying to help the situation or learning from it, I just think about how it backs up my theory that the "mindless mass" sucks. That lack of compassion is very unhealty, and I plan to change it.

I do have a large amount of compassion in other areas, its only seeing through external appearances that I have a problem with. Someone does something bad; its because they are suffering. I have not yet reached a point where I can see that. When I see someone do something bad, I automatically label them as mistaken and feel some form of anger (light or heavy) toward them. I would like to be in a state where I sense their suffering, and maybe even think of ways to assist. Sounds crazy I'm sure, but its just a slightly different way of reacting. And a more effective one for myself and others.

My attempt to be more focused and mindful will be directed at many things including the little things throughout the day that most of us do via conditioning. Brushing my teeth, eating, even walking can all be done more mindfully than I currently do them.

As you may have noticed I also decided to stop avoiding capitalizing I when describing myself. It has offered no extra assistance in realizing the nature of my ego, and from a logical point of view it could have a negative effect on my writing professionally. Therefore I have decided to discontinue doing it.

In an attempt to follow the path I think I should, I will also begin to acknowledge and follow the eightfold path of buddhism. Let me remind you that I do not consider my self a buddhist, I just think that a lot of their ideas make sense. Take for example the following listing of the eightfold path, I don't see how it could lead to anything but personal improvement and a healthy attitude:

Right View
Right Intention
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Concentration

For a complete explanation, check out this webpage.

I have laid the foundation for a successful year of focus and understanding by creating this personal contract of sorts...and now it is time to begin.

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2004-12-20T22:41:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe its only 6 days away! i usually go home a long time before Christmas, so this year it kind of snuck up on me. Don't have a single present yet!!! Have ideas for all of them, just have to make them. i always do my shopping and gift making in WV. Things are going well, i'm still working out and working. Reading a lot lately, and the Buddhism kick i have been on has turned into more of a full blown philosophical journey. i thought i was just having a little phase of interest, but i'm starting to think its more than that. i'm still reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh, and i just started reading Zen in the Art of Archery. i've read half of the Archery book and it is amazing. It is by a man who wanted to know Zen. He was told that a good first step is learning one of the many arts associated with it such as flower arranging, archery, etc... He spent six years studying archery, and the book chronicles these years. It is short, but very profound. You should check it out.

Got a couple other books and a DVD documentary that is 2 hours and follows a young buddhist monk on his path to priesthood. Sounds pretty good, and since it was made in 65 and redone in the 80s and 2003, there must be something to it. i'll let you know how it is.

The Anger book by Thich Nhat Hanh is great. Very down to earth and still profound. Written so that one of any religion can follow it, it is an excellent resource. One result of reading so far is that i've decided not to consume alcohol anymore, and i am also going to be very mindful of my food consumption. i have always drank for fun and only on a rare occasion, which is obviously not essential. Hanh makes a good point in his book that one of the contributing factors to starvation around the world is overconsumption of grains and vegetables. Obviously this is due in part to the production of alcohol which is made from grains and vegetables. In addition, i plan to consume less food, not just because it is good for my health, but also to help the problem of world food shortage. It seems like a far stretch at first, but if you think about it, it makes complete sense. Supply and demand sets the price for food, that is true anywhere in the world. The more food the US consumes, the more it drives the price up all over the world and locally. The higher the prices, the harder it is for impoverished to buy, and the harder it is for philanthropic groups to buy. Therefore, we each do our part to contribute to starvation by consuming more food than we need to sustain life, and by consuming alcohol in large quantities which is completely unnecessary. If all the grain for all the beer consumed today were given to starving third world countries, think what a difference that would make?!?

i am certainly not judging anyone who chooses to consume alcohol, we all have our reasons. i am just making a choice for myself, as i do not require alcohol to function. And of course, consuming less food can only help me loose weight. It is a well known problem in the US that we eat significatly more than we require to survive and thrive. Many of use consume more than a body builder would need to maintain their huge muscle mass. So its bad for our health, and bad for the world. So the next time someone asks you if you want to super size that, think about it for a minute. Do you really need that many potatoes?

That reminds me of one more thing. You all must see the movie/documentary Supersize Me. It is the documentary of a man who lives on nothing but Mcdonalds food for 30 days. Inspiring, enlightening, and scary. Check it out.

Ok, enough rambling for today. Leaving for WV in a couple days, hopefully i'll have some beautiful pictures of nature to share. Stay tuned!

Catch up time

2004-12-14T22:50:00.000-05:00

Well, I finished out Rohatsu without too much trouble. I didn't accomplish everything I wanted too, but I did pretty good. I wasn't too naughty on the 8th with my celebrating; guess I felt a little guilty because Rohatsu was so easy. It's really difficult to do something like that with the current societal roles I have. I think I'm going to try again in a few weeks for just a weekend. While Rohatsu only comes once a year, sesshins are held multiple times throughout the year. Rohatsu is the sesshin to end all sesshins, but they are all the same thing. Focus and train really hard for some period of time. I think I'm going to do a few weekend sesshins the first six months of the year, and then a 5 day one at the end of the summer. Finally, I will observe Rohatsu again next year.

In other news, this past weekend was Evie's birthday. We took a trip to Ocean Isle Beach and spent the night there. It was a nice little getaway vacation for a day. We saw some cool sights (see pics below). Also, I got her an Opera Torte from Starbucks, which is perfect because she loves music(plays the flute for those of you who don't know). And finally, I made her a piece of art which was very difficult and time consuming. The end result looks like it would be easy to make, but trust me, it wasn't. I had fun though, it was a good exercise in mindfulness. So check out all the pics below and I'll talk to you all later. Don't forget to click on the pictures to see the larger versions. Some of the pictures, especially the ones of the sunset, look much better in the larger version.

2004-12-14T22:44:00.000-05:00

I caught a big one at the Giggling Mackerel pier and resteraunt. Shes gotta be some kinda record!

2004-12-14T22:41:00.000-05:00

The beautiful people without the sunset.

2004-12-14T22:40:00.001-05:00

The beautiful sunset without the people.

2004-12-14T22:40:00.000-05:00

Evie enjoying her birthday, and the view.

2004-12-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

Yet another beautiful picture. Even if its freezing, it is still beautiful. Can you believe I took this picture while standing on our balcony! Did I mention our room was only $56! During peak of on season its $130!!

2004-12-14T22:38:00.001-05:00

Just another beautiful picture(plus or minus a dumpster).

2004-12-14T22:38:00.000-05:00

The other side of the bridge, leading down on to Ocean Isle Beach.

2004-12-14T22:37:00.000-05:00

Heres a cool pic. Kind of ominous looking clouds but thats just because the camera was freaking out b/c it was taking a picture of the sun. If it wasn't for LCD view finders, I think Evie would be blind now!

2004-12-14T22:35:00.002-05:00

Close up of the houses.

2004-12-14T22:35:00.001-05:00

Ocean Isle Beach, summer homes as far as the eye can see.

2004-12-14T22:35:00.000-05:00

The sky was unbelievable. Notice the rays of sun shining down in the background.

2004-12-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

Evie on the highway to heaven, or rather, the Intercoastal waterway bridge. We thought it was cool that it looked like it goes off into the sky.

2004-12-14T22:32:00.000-05:00

Here are the pics of the evolution of Evie's present. I started out with an 8 x 10 inch mirror with a 1 inch bevel around the sides. I also used an X-acto knife to cut out a stencil of the Kanji characters to be painted on later. I didn't photograph this part because it was a long and arduous task which required continuous and complete concentration. I didn't want to interrupt the flow by taking pictures.

2004-12-14T22:31:00.000-05:00

Next I drew a line on the bevel edge for reference using a dry erase marker. I tried to put the tape down previously just eyeballing it, but it was not coming out right. Then I got the idea to use some reference lines. It made things go a lot smoother.

2004-12-14T22:27:00.000-05:00

Next I taped down some paper to protect the middle from getting frosting on it. This part was tough, but the lines made it easier to do.

2004-12-14T22:26:00.000-05:00

And then the other direction...

2004-12-14T22:25:00.000-05:00

Next i trimmed all the tape using the X-acto knife so it was ready for the frosting.

2004-12-14T22:24:00.000-05:00

Then I sprayed on the frosting.

2004-12-14T22:22:00.000-05:00

The final product: The Kanji characters, according to my translation software, mean kindergarten teacher. Also notice the frosted edge. I made it using some really cool new spray paint that makes glass appear to be frosted. I think it turned out pretty well! The toughest part was painting the black Kanji character. I had a stencil, but once I got it taped down and ready to paint, the inner parts were not flush with the mirror. I had to use numerous parts to hold the various flaps of the stencil down. In the end, some paint still sprayed where it didn't belong, but overall everything worked out. What do you think?

2004-12-14T22:19:00.000-05:00

Another view of the final product.

Day Five

2004-12-05T22:43:00.000-05:00

Its funny how much psychology plays a part in what we do. Its even scary how far we let it push us sometimes. I was working out tonight, and the girl I was beside is either sick, or sick. Mean, either she has some disease causing her to waste away, or she has Anorexia. I'm leaning toward the second, but I don't know for sure. She was quite possibly the most emaciated person I've ever seen in person. It was enough that I thought I should talk to her, but I didn't know what to say. My psychology training kicked in and I hypothesized possible treatment styles, but then I realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do. Treatment takes weeks to months, I had an hour at most. Sometimes you are completely powerless, and there is nothing you can do to change that.

Sometimes I forget to stop and watch the people around me, there is just so much to learn. TV and movies are great, but nothing has an impact like real life. Just sitting in a restraunt and watching a happy couple, or even more informative is an unhappy couple (at the time anyway). Taking an outside seat to the situations we all end up in is very informative. You just want to get up and go over and say, "Hey, you two love each other, did you forget that?" Of course, there is the rare occasion when that is not true, but most of the time people just had a little tiff. Hormones and neurotransmitters are good at locking us in attack mode and making us forget that we are just attacking ourselves when we tear apart the one we love.

I started reading Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance tonight while I was working out. I've read two chapters so far, and I can already tell its going to be a great book. Its a very simple set of observations, but at the same time very insightful. I'm already wondering if the writer practiced formal zen training, or is just a lay subject like myself. In either case, he definetly posses a rare gift of insight.

I also started reading True Love by Thich Nhat Hanh which is a simple and yet amazing book. Contrary to popular belief, the buddhist's know a lot about love in all its forms. I also grabbed a book called Anger by him. I flipped through it and based on previous writings by him I read, I decided to buy it. Funny how buddhist books are always so cheap, and yet they are usually the most informative?!

Obviously from above you can tell I worked out. Getting back to my regular run quickly. I went 5.06 today(5.23 being the farthest I've ever run). The diet is going well also. Got some research done and some interesting results. The only bad thing was I slept till 11, but I've been sick, so I thought I better. I feel a lot better now, and I wasn't run down for my workout. So I think I made the right decision. You know, I just realized I'm capitalizing all my I and I'ms. I don't think I'm going to do that anymore. Kinda defeats the whole outlook. If i'm not unique or special, why do i capitalize pronouns referring to my ego? Seems like a small point, but i've started to realize that all those small things are what make us who we are. I guess thats what being "awake" is all about.

Well, enough ranting for tonight. Talk to you all tomorrow.

PS And no, i didn't capitalize that last "i" because i'm unique, it was the first word in the sentence! :)

Days 3 and 4

2004-12-05T13:09:00.000-05:00

Three and Four were a blur. Workouts went well, got up every morning, but things have been tough. I was naughty and had a Grande White Chocolate Mocha(nectar of the gods) and I got sick(which is how I justified getting the coffee!). I get so weak when I'm sick its not even funny. Still, in total I've lost wait, so it wasn't that big of a deal. I think I might actually reach my goal of 219 by 12 Tuesday night. We'll see. Things have been good in general. Took my Psy 245 Drugs and Behavior final yesterday. It was one of the first tests I ever took where I just knew everything. There were 90 questions, but it took me no time at all. I just loved that class so much, it was easy. I would talk about what we learned in the lab after class everyday. Its just facinating how drugs work and what they do.

Sorry I can't be more detailed, but things have been a little blurry. Will do better today and 6&7. Talk to you tonight.

Day Two...

2004-12-02T21:56:00.000-05:00

Still here. I'm actually extremely upbeat and full of energy, must be working out and because everything is going good right now. Give it a few days, then the tiredness will kick in. Plus, tomorrow I have to start studying for finals. So all the really cool work I'm doing on research right now goes on hold until December the 8th at least. Testing is such a waste of time. Oh well, guess I have to do it. Moving on, my workout had to be sacrificed today for the greater good. I was so busy talking to Dr. Tag about research that I talked right through my workout time. I think continuing were I was rather than sticking to my predefined dogma was the way to go. If not, oh well, too late now. At least from a health point of view, 6 out of 7 days working out ain't bad!

I forgot to mention, I applied for another job yesterday. I found a job at UNCW making ~48,000/year with benefits. It is only guaranteed through May 06, which is perfect for me, because thats about the time I should be moving to Boulder for grad school. By the way, if you wanna check out where I'm going(or will be once they accept me :)) the website is http://www.colorado.edu and the professor I want to work with is in the Psych Dept and his name is Randy O'reilly. Which was easy to get the address for, because as part of my super focus to go there, I've set his homepage as the default page my browser goes to when I open it up. Yeah, I know, psycho. But if thats what it takes, oh well.

I also had a VERY stimulating conversation today with one of my friends at school about everything from cars reproducing to the duality of the universe, or lack thereof. It's nice to find someone from your home planet every now and then! Its also nice to take a step back an be philosophical. I keep losing the forest for the trees, its hard to keep that broad view. Getting better though.

Diet and health are doing good. I'm back to my lowest weight and losing. I was 233 yesterday morning, which is 1 pound more than my lowest of 232(not counting birth of course!). I'm planning to break 229 by the 7th, and 219 by New Years. Kinda doing the New Years resolution in reverse this year I guess?!? At the rate I'm going I think its reasonable to be at 190 by March or April, which I'm guessing is my ideal weight. Who knows. Since I actually have some muscle, that BMI crap doesn't work for me. At any rate, I think I'll be in perfect health by the end of next semester. Go me!

Alright, enough bragging. Now to important things; we saw the Incredibles tonight and it was really good. Ripped off a few other movies like they always do, but it was still excellent. And best of all, yes, thats right, the STAR WARS EPISODE III trailer was before the movie!!! If the movie is even half as good as it looks, it should be amazing. I mean, really, how many times can Lucas mess up as great a story as Star Wars? Lets hope not 3.

Alright, enough yapping. See you all tomorrow.

May The Force Be With You

One Down, Six To Go

2004-12-01T20:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it through day one without freaking out. I got up at 6 and worked out as planned. It was my first time back in the gym since I hurt my back a couple weeks ago, and it was exhausting. The first 30 min session was about the same as when I last worked out. Same intensity, same distance, etc...But by the end I was starting to feel it. The second 30 minutes was agony. I actually had to stop after 4.05 miles because I got dizzy. Think I was just worn out, I only got 5 hours of sleep last night.

The rest of the day I worked on some art stuff for Evie's present and did a bunch of research. Uneventful, but tiring. I will sleep good tonight!

No major thoughts for the day, but I did see some White Ibis feeding on one of the fields at UNCW this morning. A good omen I think... It made me feel a little more in tune with nature, which is part of what this week is all about.

A New Beginning

2004-11-30T21:30:00.000-05:00

Everything great that happens, has a beginning sometime. Most beginnings are small, and amount to very little; but some beginnings are small, and become something great. Tomorrow at 6am I begin my recognition of Rohatsu. A simple exercise for just one man, but the beginning of what? It could amount to a week of torture that will be recognized as another ignorant attempt to wake up, or it could be the beginning of the morning of my life. By the end, maybe I will finally have woken myself up just a little bit...I'm excited and terrified at the same time. Funny to be so concerned about something I've decided to do to myself?

See you all tomorrow night, sleep well.

Still Here

2004-11-28T22:28:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm still alive, just busy as usual. Sorry I haven't written more, but the end of the semester is nuts. So I didn't get that internship at PPD which was a little disconcerting, because its the first job I've ever applied for and not gotten. Oh well, not the end of the world I suppose. Been really naughty over thanksgiving, but Rohatsu starts in less than 3 days, so I don't think it will be a problem. I guess I should explain what Rohatsu is.

The story goes like this: The buddha reached enlightenment on December the 8th. Therefore, buddhists celebrate that day, and they also created a holiday for December 1st through the 7th. Not your typical holiday though, in fact, its quite the opposite. Basically they use the 7 days for a sort of super training. They sleep less, meditate more, and focus harder. They already do everything to the best of their ability, this is just a time to REALLY focus on what they already do.

I have decided to recognize the holiday this year, and have devised my own system for doing so. I will wake up at 6am all 7 days, work out all 7 days, meditate all 7 days, and be aware to the best of my ability. I will also be writing here every night, so stay tuned.

Well, gotta get to bed now. Talk to you all soon.

The word of the day is: Perseverance

2004-11-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

My heads getting a little sore, but that damn wall is coming down. If I have to eat, not-sleep, and breathe my honors project, that wall is coming down. If I have to have a national holiday declared and get school extended by one more day, that wall is coming down. If I have to get a Ph.d before I finish the thing, that wall is coming down.

...nothing can stop that now....

The Wall

2004-11-10T14:57:00.000-05:00

You just keep running in to that wall. Harder and faster, slower and weaker, sometimes you run up to it and stop, and sometimes you just don't bother running toward it at all. Its always hard to keep in mind whats on the other side of it.

Life goes on...

2004-11-03T23:24:00.000-05:00

I'm in another one of my idealistic moods, so beware if you plan to continue reading. So Bush is the winner of 4 more years as president of the United States of America. My first thoughts are of disgust and disappointment. After watching the debates for the first time in my life, and seeing Bush's demeanor, I don't understand how ANYONE could vote for that man. I'm tired of this convervative death shroud that is running our country into the ground. Didn't we leave England to get away from that crap in the beginning? Now we are becomming another England. Why do we need assault weapons? Why can't a woman choose if she wants? And just when the hell are we going to have someone in office that will fix our education system? I know now more than ever that our biggest problem in America, is that our educational system is a worthless steaming pile of cow dung.

Having said that, its over. Bush won, for better or worse, till death when we all go our separate ways. I did the best I can possibly do, and now I have to continue doing that. Nothing changes with a defeat, just as nothing should change with a victory. Emotions run a little, but then we remember that theres always another game.

I guess the thing that scares me the most is not that Bush is the president, but that the majority voted for him. That means he is a decent representative of the country. THAT is what really scares me. But then what is there to be scared of? None of this is real anyway, right? We are all nothing, and this is nothing, so why worry about it?

The sun will still rise tomorrow...

Another week gone

2004-10-29T12:46:00.000-05:00

Another week has flown by and the semester is coming to an end quickly. This week I've mainly been sick (strep like thing) and working on research. I FINALLY (hallelujah) finished the Wavelet transform for my research. I also have finished writing and testing about 2/3 of a new Neural Network. After discussing it with Dr. Tag, I decided to sit down and write a new one from scratch. I was a little terrified at first, but its going really well so far. I hope to be done by the end of the weekend.

I had my interview at PPD on Wednesday, it was interesting. First, I was really sick. Second, even though I'm only interviewing for an internship, I was there for 2 and a half hours, and met with 3 groups of people. Turns out they take internships really serious there, because unlike GE or Corning, they almost always hire interns when they graduate. In other words, PPD treats internships like apprenticeships, the way its supposed to be done.

I'm not sure about the other candidates, so I have no idea what my chances are, but the interviews went well. Everybody was really friendly, and most of them were UNCW graduates (obviously encouraging).

My new laptop should be here any day now, so I can finally put that whole situation behind me. School is going pretty well, finally getting close to caught up with everything. Next semester is going to be so nice, I've been way overcommitted for the past 3/4 of a year. It will be nice to have a managable load again.

Still haven't gotten the New York stuff up (obviously), will try to soon, just really busy with research right now.

Hope all is well with you all.

words of the past

2004-10-23T21:24:00.000-05:00

Honor. Courage. Discipline. A few of many words that sometimes seem to no longer have any meaning. Once it was a time when great battles were fought, and one could make some sort of stand against the evils that work to enslave us. There was a time when one could swear by an oath to protect all that is righteous, and if need be, give their life to defend it. But these days the forces to be opposed are not so obvious. Forces that are just as dangerous as those of the past, and perhaps even more so. For these forces are unseen by most, and therefore can continue to exist without opposition. Occasionally we catch a glimpse of them, and we do what we can to oppose them, but it is little.

And why should we oppose that which is wrong? How do we know that it is wrong? We have our morals and our ethics, and we are willing to kill in the name of them. But what right do we have to kill in the name of these, our beliefs? What right do we have to kill at all? The only thing separating us from those we kill, is our beliefs. They wish to kill us for our beliefs, and we wish to kill them for their beliefs. Who is right? And by what proof are they right?

So what are we to do?

The end is coming!

2004-10-22T12:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry I haven't written recently, things are getting pretty busy around here. The end of the semester is coming up fast, and I'm not ready for it. Research is coming along, but whether I will be done is unforeseeable right now. I talked with Dr. Tag and we have a few options, so I'm a little less stressed, but finishing is the only option that allows me to graduate with honors. So even though I have options to protect my GPA, I could lose my honors. Therefore I guess I'm still just as stressed. I really don't think well unless I'm writing or speaking, I always seem to figure things out when doing either. As soon as I open my mouth and let everyone know what I'm thinking, I realize its wrong! Usually I know how to fix it, but once everyone hears you're dumb thinking, its too late!

Anyway, things have been going pretty well. Evie and I are both extremely busy, but we are doing things now and then to de-stress. I'm still trying to get my research to a point that I can write an abstract and submit it by November 1st to go to the IEEE Southeastcon (http://sec05.nova.edu/). I have an interview at PPD next Wednesday for 2 hours! Hopefully to get that internship position which might lead to a permanent job when I graduate. I had a long talk with D the other day (one of the profs in the Psy dept), and he apparently has been doing a low-carb lifestyle plan also. He lost over 90 pounds! When I saw him a year or so after I originally met him, I thought he had that gastric by-pass surgery where they cut off 2/3 of your stomach. He lost a dramatic amount of weight, visibly, not just on the scale. We talked about a lot of the issues I've been having like slight depression and fatigue, he said he experienced the same thing. Gave me some pointers, thought I'm not sure I'm going to try them. I don't like messing with body chemistry, especially brain chemistry.

In other news, I have been reading The Users Guide to the Brain, a book by a doctor from Harvard that got excellent reviews. Its basically a manual on neuroscience for the lay person. Very interesting stuff, you all should check it out.

Well, gotta get back to research and work. I'm really trying to get the NY stuff on the website, just too damn busy right now. I'll get it up ASAP.

Take care.

A day at the lake

2004-10-16T17:30:00.000-05:00

Last night was great. I almost forgot to talk about it. We had dinner at Atlanta Bread, hung out at Barnes and Noble, and then went to UNCW to see a play. We saw Shakespear's Twelfth Night which was done by the Aquila Theatre. We had to leave half way through, but it was a really great performance. Definetly not what I expected, especially the music. It was really neat.

Anyway, back to today, after working out, we got lunch and took it to Greenfield Lake. We started out on a paddle boat, but since I had just run 5.31 miles at the gym, I decided maybe we should canoe instead. Fortunately for me, Evie agreed. :) So we went back to the dock and got a canoe. The old man running the place was really nice. I felt bad because he was older (70ish) so I got the canoe down off the rack and put it in the water. We were out about two hours and got some awesome pics. We also picked up trash here and there that was floating by. When we got back we had a whole canoe full (see pic below) and the guy thought it was really cool. Turns out he is a volunteer for the Cape Fear River watch who is actually in charge of renting the stuff. He doesn't get paid, instead the money goes to the River Watch, and is in turn used to clean up the waterways in our area. So it was a pretty cool day.

Check out all the posts below to see the pics and captions. (captions are under the pictures, not above) So the way this wacky thing posts pics, what you need to do to go in order is scroll down to the entry labeled Meditating is hard. Then scroll up one pic at a time till you get back to this one. That way you will view them in the order I put them in, and the comments will make a lot more sense. (in other words, they are in reverse order). One final note, if you click on the picture, it will show you the full size original. Then just click back on your browser to get back to my blog. Hope you enjoy our pics.

2004-10-16T17:26:00.000-05:00

And finally, a close up of the water flowing over the dam. We were on the right side for the picture of us together below this one. The camera was on the left side sitting on the bridge. I set the timer, hit the button, ran all the way around and down to the bottom of the dam, and got there just in time for the pic below.

2004-10-16T17:25:00.000-05:00

My future backyard (I wish).

2004-10-16T17:24:00.000-05:00

Finally, a decent picture of us together. We are on the dam at the side of the lake, you can see a picture of it above this one.

2004-10-16T17:23:00.000-05:00

Hey buddy, you better store that nut. Eat it now and you'll be hungry in another month or two.

2004-10-16T17:22:00.000-05:00

A close up of the wonderous collection of garbage.

2004-10-16T17:21:00.000-05:00

A picture of us taken by the nice old man at the dock. Not a great pic, but the lighting was off. He tried. :)

2004-10-16T17:20:00.000-05:00

Evie and the wonderous trash collection we brought back. Let no one say we haven't done our part to clean up Greenfield lake!!

2004-10-16T17:19:00.000-05:00

A close up of our first mate on the SS Garbage.

2004-10-16T17:18:00.000-05:00

Cap'n Evie and the first mate standing on the dock.

2004-10-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

Time to go

2004-10-16T17:16:00.001-05:00

Same pick as the next one, but a difference of 12X zoom. Panasonic rules!

2004-10-16T17:16:00.000-05:00

2004-10-16T17:15:00.000-05:00

2004-10-16T17:14:00.001-05:00

Cap'n Evie at the helm.

2004-10-16T17:14:00.000-05:00

A group of ducks we floated past.

2004-10-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

The ugly duckling?

2004-10-16T17:12:00.001-05:00

Mommy and here little fuzzy babies.

2004-10-16T17:12:00.000-05:00

A noisy and nosey goose that checked us out.

2004-10-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

A japanese maple and a really cool rock. Don't see things arranged this nicely in a US park usually. For a minute I felt like I was in Japan. (if you ignore the truck in the background of course)

Meditating is hard

2004-10-16T12:27:00.000-05:00

Hi all, sorry I haven't written in a while. The trip to New York kept me really busy, and then I spent this week catching up, so I didn't get to write then either. I am going to post my pictures and write for the days I was on the trip on the New York blog this weekend. If you don't have the link yet, it is http://nywedding-neuron42.blogspot.com Be sure to check it out soon for the updates.

Just got back from working out, man is it hard to concentrate for long periods of time. I do two 30 minute sessions on the elliptical rider, and I tried to meditate the whole time. The first 20 minutes or so was fine, but then thoughts started flowing like crazy. About that time I was done with the first 30 minute session, so I got a drink and walked around for a minute or so. Then I got back on for my second 30 minutes session. It started out ok, but after about 5 minutes, thoughts started flowing like crazy. Plus, people kept walking in front of me and other visual distractions. I kept coming back to focus, but it was very difficult. I guess maybe thats why normal buddhists do it in a monastery.

Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow!

2004-10-07T17:53:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the big day! After waking up at 4AM!!! and layovers and such, I'll be in New York City at 10am. This will be my last entry till next Tuesday or so because while I'm on the trip I'll be using a blog I created just for it. The address is http://nywedding-neuron42.blogspot.com or you can also get to it by going to this blog, clicking on View My Complete Profile at the right, on the page that loads scroll all the way to the bottom, and there is a link to the trip blog. If I were you, I'd use the address above!

So, keep your eyes on the trip site, and I'll post lots of perty pictures.

I can smell NY...

2004-10-06T18:59:00.000-05:00

Trip time is almost here! I can't wait till we get there. My flight leaves at 6:15 Friday morning. A little early, but I'll be too excited to care!

So Tuesday was pretty cool. Moved the research forward by a big leap. Tuesday night we went to Cinematique and saw Maria Full of Grace. It was an excellent, albeit somewhat depressing, movie. It was the story of a young woman in Columbia that isn't happy with her life, quits her job, and gets caught up in drug smuggling by being a mule. The movie went into erie details about the process of being a mule, from swallowing the drugs and how they are retrieved, to the atrocities that can occur to the person when things go wrong. Very insightful, and very alarming. It also does a nice job of looking at the immigration issue from the non-american point of view.

Other than that I've just been working like a maniac trying to get my research done. Should have a lot of great pictures and things to talk about starting Friday. Keep your eyes peeled! (have you ever thought about that saying? really kinda scary)

Monday Monday Monday

2004-10-04T22:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I won't attempt to follow up last nights super rant, just an update tonight I guess. Got my new luggage for the trip to NY. Getting kind of excited now, its just days away. Not looking forward to finding my luggage in LGA, but other than that, the trip should be awesome.

I made some major progress on my research, and I'm closing in on being finished with the coding part. If my damn new laptop would get here, I would be making a lot more progress. This transfering crap across the net from one office to another is getting to me. I keep working on copies of code that aren't the newest ones and then having to re-incorporate the code. Oh well, it will soon be over. I'm also starting to get a little stressed about the conference deadline. I need my paper written by the end of the month and I haven't even finished the experiment yet. Its definetly crunch time now. I think I'll be able to pull it off though. If not, theres always next year.

Went to Evie's first concert of the year tonight. Lots of different kinds of music, it was pretty cool. There were a couple pieces I could have done without, but most of them were very good. You could tell the ones they had practiced, and the ones they had not. Most of the ones Evie played in were good. I'm just not a big fan of smaller groups, and that was part of the problem with some of the pieces. But when the whole symphony played, it was great. In particular, they played a piece called October by Eric Whitacre that was phenomonal. It starts out very similar in sound to the score from American Beauty. Then it branches off in a totally different way. I'm going to try and find it online or somewhere. Thats the only thing I hate about finding new music I like, especially orchestral, its usually hard to find anywhere to buy it (much less download it). There was also a great piece called Mayflower Overture by Ron Nelson (who happens to be at Brown University!). Both of those pieces were enough to make a great concert alone. I had a good time.

Guess I better get to bed. Gotta get up at 6am. Dreams of NY...

The normal, the not so normal, and the possible redemption

2004-10-03T16:19:00.000-05:00

So today was the usual Sunday. Sleep late, work out, do some research. Evie got back at 2 or so, so she was home when I got back from working out. We had lunch and now we're at school working.

An interesting event today, a pro-life rally along college road was going on when we went to lunch. From what I could see, tens(and maybe hundreds) of people lined college road with anti-abortion signs. [Abortion kills children, etc...] I had mixed feelings about the display. On the one hand I think it takes a lot of courage to get up there and stand up for what you believe in. I mean, to stand on college road and hold a sign saying what you believe, no one will ever question that. Every person in this town knows what you believe now. So for that, I salute them. On the other hand, I have two problems. One, being a pro-choicer myself, I disagree with their cause. And two, I don't think that people should be submitted to something without a choice. (Course, I guess thats the fundamental problem isn't it?) The point is, that some woman who had to choose abortion and hates herself every day for that, shouldn't be forced to view signs calling her a killer. I mean, its one thing to say Abortion is Wrong or something like that, its another to stand on the busiest road in Wilmington and say Abortion is murder. Which obviously implies that those who do it are murderers. So here is poor miss x that was abused, impregnated, and left by her boyfriend. No social support like we are all lucky enough to have, and she can barely feed herself. Now she has to drive past a bunch of people calling her a murderer? Don't get me wrong, they have just as much right to do that, as she SHOULD have to have an abortion. But then, isn't that hypocritical of them? They have the right to CHOOSE to stand by the road with their signs, shouldn't she have her rights too?

Its interesting that happened today, because while I was working out I was thinking about such things. Lately I've heard the comment a lot that "you need to work on your buddhism", and it got me to thinking. While my worldly goals have progressed a fair amount, research education and the like, my spirituality has practically died. I don't remember the last time I meditated, I haven't been to the temple in a year at least, and I'm definetly not following the ideals that I believe are so important to find enlightenment. So now I need to do something about it. I decided to start by re-reading The Empty Mirror, and A Glimpse of Nothingness. Those are the two books by van der Wetering that got me started in Buddhism(in addition to my brother of course). I'm also attempting to be a great deal more mindful of my interactions with others. I've found out recently that I am intimidating to many, and some even think I'm conceited! I was shocked to find this out, but after 3 or 4 people say something, you start to think about it.

So I did, and I realized that it is my utter hatered of the ways I'm not accustomed to that is starting to show through. There are many ways to live life, and I have begun to outright despise those that follow a path less noble than the one I've chosen. (now I see the conceteit) What I realized is that I've had that attitude for some time, and now it is starting to show through. Normally I would respond by thinking, so what, I am who I am and I will not let society change that (Popeye preach it). But in this case, I think my attitude is wrong, and that is something I need to fix. When I think about it, I am no one to judge those other people. Yes, what they do iritates me sometimes, but usually in a way that wouldn't bother me if I was where I should be spiritually. So I concluded that I am the one that needs to change. I should not look upon people with disdain just because they choose a different path than me. Even if I feel that path is completely wrong, I should not have a negative attitude towards it. If I feel something is harmful, I should say so and leave it at that. Or, if the person is not interested in my opinion, then its time to move on. In some ways, I'm running around forcing my beliefs on others, even though I don't believe in doing that.

So as usual, the goal is to be more mindful in general. More mindful of my interactions, my thoughts and feelings, and especially less judgemental of others. If something doesn't interfere with my path, I shouldn't even give it a second thought. If it does, then I should thouroughly evaluate it and do something about it. Not just shrug it off and then have animosity for it. So in other words, time to get back on the eightfold path.

On a less serious note, I realized today what an interesting relationship Dr. Tag and I have. We are very much like the Master and Disciple scenario you would find at a temple. Any time I ask him a question, he answers with another question (usually an integral). He is definetly full of koans, in the mathematical form of course, and I meditate all week on research and visit him in his chambers once a week to discuss the current koan. Goofy, but a neat perspective I thought. Course, the fact that he is a hard core christian prevents the idea of him being a master of buddhism, but he could definetly be a master of computer science.

Ok, now I'm rambling so I guess I will bring it to an end. So in the immortal words of G "give in, let go, and take the plunge"...

Friday night is quiet

2004-10-01T20:59:00.000-05:00

You know, people always think of Friday night as some crazy time to party. But I always think of it as the calm after the storm. These days weekends don't have much meaning, working 7 days a week is the rule, not the exception. Friday night is about the only time any more when you can just chill out, watch a movie, and relax. Evie is out of town right now, so its just me and the boob tube. I watched Starsky and Hutch(the new Ben Stiller version) and it was pretty good. Not his best work, but a one-timer at the least. It was pretty good and had a cute little story. The Matrix its not, but then we need dumb little movies to make us laugh sometimes. Otherwise we would all go nuts.

I finished the first book of the Foundation series today. WOW! I had always heard about the books, but I have never read them. When I finished it my first thought was, when can I get my hands on the next in the series! It's definetly right up there with Star Wars and the Matrix trilogies. Very good philosophically, as well as an excellent plot. Haven't decided what to read next yet, I want to get the next Foundation book, but I'm broke and there are so many books I have that I haven't read yet, it would be a shame to buy it right this minute. I'm leading toward Neuromancer, a book that got great reviews and was required reading for one of the computer science classes this semester. Looks pretty good, I'll let you know if it is. Supposed to involve AI, wonder why it would be interesting to me?

Health update, South Beach is still going well. I've lost 36 pounds since I started in mid-June, bp is 120/72, and cholesterol and triglycerides are all well below the number my doc referred to as perfect health. So I guess I'm going to live a little while longer. Still working out 3-4 times a week. I'm up to about 5.10 miles Tues, Thurs, Sat, Sun. Don't always make it on Sunday, but I'm rock solid about the other three days. Starting to feel a little scrawny though, so I'm going to start lifting weights again in the next week or so. Being skinny is great, but being healthy isn't just about weight. (for me anyway) I've given up the dreams of being Arnold size, but I would like to be in excellent shape.

Plus, I'm looking to do some new outdoor activities, and muscle is important in most of them. We're supposed to go kayaking on the Dan River at some point, and if I like it enough I'm going to start saving up for a Kayak. Plus, I've ALWAYS wanted to try mountain climbing. Once I lose a little more weight, we're going to try and find a class somewhere to check it out.

Well, I guess that should do it for now. Sorry I haven't had more pictures to put up, but I don't get to take a lot. But if you want to see some REALLY cools ones, check out Mels site at http://iateabugtoo.blogspot.com It's really awesome. She has TONS of great pics from here diving work in Florida. I'll also try to get some more pics, but first this crappy weather thing has to end.

Course, we are going to New York next week for Evie's brothers wedding, so I'm sure there will be tons of great pics from that. I should get to write every night while I'm there, so stay tuned!

Too much Psychology!

2004-09-29T21:32:00.000-05:00

Other than a ten minute doctors appt, which basically was a blood drawing session, I spent the entire day re-doing my computer and reading my child psych book at the same time. I got my laptop from Dell today(again), and the damn thing still didn't work. It had a nice shiny new cover and some other things fixed, but the power system was still all messed up. So I called Dell(again) and they finally decided to do a system exchange. In theory I'll be getting an equally powered computer, just a different model(prolly an Inspiron). So I guess I'm happy about that, but I'll wait to see what I get before I get too happy.

So otherwise, I spent the ENTIRE day reading child psychology. It was mind numbing to say the least. It isn't even interesting to me because half the experiments aren't even experiments. Their methods are sloppy, and their theories are the worst kind of popular tripe, they are poor scientists...(Ghostbusters, circa 80s). Was that my first movie quote on this thing? I think it was! Bout time. Anyway, its like wading through a thick sludgy wasteland of science. I'm starting to understand why Psychology is NOT considered one of the "hard sciences", although I still stand by the fact that the branch of Psychology known as Neuroscience is a "hard science".

Anyway, enough complaining. Got to sleep so I can take my quiz tomorrow on the billion or so pages I just read. Sleep tight. (what does that mean anyway?)

Garden State

2004-09-28T20:12:00.000-05:00

So today was an average day. Got out of bed on time (go me), went to classes, worked on research, worked out...Then we went to see Garden State. It's an independent film by a 23 year old guy that wrote it, directed it, and starred in it as the main character. Damn, I'm 26 and look what I've done?! Kinda makes you thing a little... Anyway, the story was a Fight Club meets Prozac Nation kinda thing. I thought it was phenomenal(spelling?). I would say amazing but then you all know I say almost every movie is amazing. But it really was excellent, one of those movies that makes you stop and think. I thought the story was a little cliche, but I use cliches in my writing all the time. Why not?

I'll definetly get it when it comes out on DVD. I'll put it right between Fight Club and Good Will Hunting. Other news, I did a phone interview today with PPD(ppdi.com) for a biostatistics programming postion. I'm pretty sure the lady was impressed, course, I have been doing mathematical programming for four years now! The good news is that if I get the internship, theres a good chance I would get a job when I graduate in May. Go me again!!!

So I guess now I better get back to research, I'm going to the Endocrinologist tomorrow, sure that will give me great stuff to write about. Everyone loves to read about other peoples bodies falling apart!

Catch up time

2004-09-26T10:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess I'm just a little bit behind. Really busy week as usual, and I'm sure I won't remember half of it. We saw Resident Evil 2 on Tuesday, and boy was that something. I loved it but Evie about killed me. She doesn't like "scary" movies with lots of jumpy parts. As it turns out, Resident Evil 2 was one of the jumpiest movies I have ever seen. I didn't know it was gonna be like that either. The first 45 minutes was loaded with jumpy parts and serious scary stuff. But we survived.

I had my first test in Drugs and Behavior, I think I got an A. It was pretty straight forward. Research is moving along, I've just about finished all the programming and started writing the thesis. I'm planning to have an article ready by November to try and get published, but its going to be close.

Friday I went to Evie's school for a few hours and met her class. Kindergarten is an amazing little world. So curious, so energetic, and very busy. I could handle a few hours of observation, but I don't know how anyone handles teaching the class! It's really fun, but it appears to be a lot of work too. Such are things I guess...

Yesterday we took the ferry to Southport. I've been on a ferry twice before, but that was the first time I ever took my truck with me! It was a short trip, but still pretty cool. And its only 5 bucks, so its worth it. We had a little trouble when we got to the other side, turns out a bridge was washed out in Southport! Fortunately, there was an alternate route so we still made it home. Finally we went to see the Wilmington Symphony Orchestra play. They were excellent. They aren't paid and only practice once a week, but you would never know it. It was most enjoyable.

Check out my truck on water below!

Let it rain...

2004-09-18T12:11:00.000-05:00

Well, the rain season continues here in Wilmington. I guess at some point I'm going to have to buy a Kayak to get around. Really been missing the mountains lately, this humid wet beach weather is starting to get to me. Evie and I went to the beach last night, and it was the first time in a while I enjoyed being outside. It was cool, dark, a nice breeze, and no one around. Very peaceful and serene.

I need to get out more! I've become the classical work-a-holic, being in Dr. Keith's lab 7am-7pm 3 days a week gets to be a bit much. Don't get me wrong, I love research, I'm just spending too much time sitting in a chair staring at a computer. I guess things will get better in the spring, then I'm going to start running experiments again, as well as doing surgeries. Thats right, starting in the spring semester, I'm going to be a brain surgeon!!!! On rats, but still, brains are brains. I'm hoping to come up with a full experiment to do on my own, in order to get a publication in neuronscience before I apply to grad school. Some sort of memory trial involving the Prusky task, injections, surgery, and brain analysis at the end of the study. Then put together a paper and get it published by December. That would do wonders to help my grad school application, and I think its possible in 11 months.

Regardless, I will be going to at least one computer science conference next year. Southeastcon, an IEEE conference, which is being held in Fort Lauderdale, Florida April 8-10 2005. Evie might get to go with me since its a weekend, but we're not sure yet. In any case, that will be my first official publication(in the conference proceedings). I'm actually pretty excited about it, even though I've been working on the project so long its starting to be mundane. But I'm almost done, and things are coming together nicely now.

Time to consume mass quantities, talk to you all soon...