Off To A Slow Start
Well, I'm on day 11 of the Emptiness Manifesto, and I'm still alive (as Pearl Jam would say). I have had some rather bad instances, mainly in diet and attitude, but I'm still here. I have a recommited sense to what I'm doing, and I will do these last 20 days the right way even if it drives me nuts. The one thing that has gone perfectly is my exercise routine. I have been every day and am maintaining 5.10-5.30 miles per day in distance. I haven't felt up to the task of another 10 mile trot yet, but I'm sure I will before its all over.
Still reading Che's biography, wow is that book thick! I'm positive without a doubt that it is the thickest book I have ever read. And it is very enlightening. I've learned so much about political systems, social norms and influences, and personal philosophy that it amazes me. I think I'm finally starting to understand the power of books. Movies are great for deliever information quickly, but books let you stew on the info a bit. You can think about what you believe and how it all relates. Movies allow this also, but only after the movie is over. With books you continue the trend throughout the entire reading. Plus, it is rare I have found a movie that led me to other sources of information; but with books, you run across source after source of further study. Anyway, Che really did lead a revolutionary life. His escapades with Fidel Castro to take over and reform Cuba were just the surface. The way he conducted himself in war was brilliant. He was much less focused on killing and violence, and very focused on education and productivity. In fact, one of the first things he did once the rebels had secured some land, was build a hospital, a bread oven, and a school. While I disagree with his call for a bloody revolution being the only way to change things, I think he does offer some valid ideas about how to institute change. In particular, the events in Cuba really help you understand just how important economics, propagand, and the peoples favor really are.
In other news, I had my first official panic attack last night. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking about what to do with the rest of my life. The thoughts just kept swirling faster and faster and all of the sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so weird because me first thought was that I was having a panic attack, just like I learned about in Psychopathology. Then I thought, no, you're just being stupid, but when things didn't calm down, I realized it really was happening. After about five minutes of mental back and forth, I started meditating on the sound of the clock ticking in our room, and I finally calmed down. I didn't get much sleep though, nor have I the past few nights. I laid in bed trying, but I just can't slow my mind down. I feel like a giant vice is wrapped around me crushing more and more each day. And no matter how much I think about it, the vice just keeps tightening. Next week I'm going to talk to a couple of profs at school about what I should do. Hopefully that will help, but I'm not sure. Its just one of those situations were EVERYBODY thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but no matter how much I think about it, I don't feel I am. Albeit, I have made mistakes before, so I'm worried they are right, but on the other hand, I'm not getting any useful alternatives. I wish I could just be like everyone else and do the standard thing, but I just can't. My brain won't let me, its just too stuborn. Its been almost two weeks now, and I'm more confused than ever. I'm willing to do whatever I have to, I just don't know what it is that I should do.
I've tried to live the life where you work 8-5 and then do what you want the rest of the time, it just doesn't work for me. I want more than that. I want a job where I do what I believe in, where I have an impact, not just some mediocre existence. Its not about being great, its about knowing that I'm doing the best I can to make things right. I don't care if I never get recognition, seeing positive change is reward enough.
Well, I better cut it short before I freak out again. I have a feeling these next few weeks are going to be tough on me. As always, I'm open to suggestions. I've got plenty of people telling me what I'm doing wrong, I would love to have some alternative suggestions.
PEACE
Still reading Che's biography, wow is that book thick! I'm positive without a doubt that it is the thickest book I have ever read. And it is very enlightening. I've learned so much about political systems, social norms and influences, and personal philosophy that it amazes me. I think I'm finally starting to understand the power of books. Movies are great for deliever information quickly, but books let you stew on the info a bit. You can think about what you believe and how it all relates. Movies allow this also, but only after the movie is over. With books you continue the trend throughout the entire reading. Plus, it is rare I have found a movie that led me to other sources of information; but with books, you run across source after source of further study. Anyway, Che really did lead a revolutionary life. His escapades with Fidel Castro to take over and reform Cuba were just the surface. The way he conducted himself in war was brilliant. He was much less focused on killing and violence, and very focused on education and productivity. In fact, one of the first things he did once the rebels had secured some land, was build a hospital, a bread oven, and a school. While I disagree with his call for a bloody revolution being the only way to change things, I think he does offer some valid ideas about how to institute change. In particular, the events in Cuba really help you understand just how important economics, propagand, and the peoples favor really are.
In other news, I had my first official panic attack last night. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking about what to do with the rest of my life. The thoughts just kept swirling faster and faster and all of the sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so weird because me first thought was that I was having a panic attack, just like I learned about in Psychopathology. Then I thought, no, you're just being stupid, but when things didn't calm down, I realized it really was happening. After about five minutes of mental back and forth, I started meditating on the sound of the clock ticking in our room, and I finally calmed down. I didn't get much sleep though, nor have I the past few nights. I laid in bed trying, but I just can't slow my mind down. I feel like a giant vice is wrapped around me crushing more and more each day. And no matter how much I think about it, the vice just keeps tightening. Next week I'm going to talk to a couple of profs at school about what I should do. Hopefully that will help, but I'm not sure. Its just one of those situations were EVERYBODY thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but no matter how much I think about it, I don't feel I am. Albeit, I have made mistakes before, so I'm worried they are right, but on the other hand, I'm not getting any useful alternatives. I wish I could just be like everyone else and do the standard thing, but I just can't. My brain won't let me, its just too stuborn. Its been almost two weeks now, and I'm more confused than ever. I'm willing to do whatever I have to, I just don't know what it is that I should do.
I've tried to live the life where you work 8-5 and then do what you want the rest of the time, it just doesn't work for me. I want more than that. I want a job where I do what I believe in, where I have an impact, not just some mediocre existence. Its not about being great, its about knowing that I'm doing the best I can to make things right. I don't care if I never get recognition, seeing positive change is reward enough.
Well, I better cut it short before I freak out again. I have a feeling these next few weeks are going to be tough on me. As always, I'm open to suggestions. I've got plenty of people telling me what I'm doing wrong, I would love to have some alternative suggestions.
PEACE
posted by Sean at
4:32 PM
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