Schiavo, Congress, What in the world?

What in the hell does congress have to do with Terry Schiavo? I don't care if you think she should be allowed to die or not, it's not Congress' job to intervene and take over on such an occasion. We have more than enough levels of court to handle such a case. Thousands are dying around the world and nobody cares. One lady left wishes to die if incapacitated, and the whole country is in an uproar! Were the hell were all these people when 800,000 people were dying in Rwanda? We are so reactionary it is not even funny. Why can't people think ahead, instead of just sitting around waiting for it to all fall apart?

Come on people, just think a little ahead? Is that so much to ask?

Another Crazy Experiment

Well, I survived my hunger strike. Not that I'm suprised, one day is really not that tough. Of course, I did get severe food poisoning when I finally did eat, and spent all of Sunday throwing up and in bed. But, it was worth it. Most of the people I sent my email to signed the petition, so my goal was accomplished. In addition I came just a little closer to understanding what it is like to be in one of the places I'm trying to help. When the hunger pains were at their worst, I would think of how I could simply go to the fridge and eat something. But the people that are in places like Sudan, they have no choice. When the hunger pains come for them, they have to just suffer. My experience was taken even farther by the food poisoning incident. While I was miserable, at least it was in an air conditioned apartment, with love and support from others. (In particular my amazing girlfriend, Evie who took excellent care of me). I was able to lay on my comfortable bed, take anti-nausea medicine, and minimize my suffering. And once I was feeling a little better, I could munch on ice chips, and then worked my way up to popcicles. Meanwhile, my counterparts in Darfur will likely die from dehydration. I don't know that you will ever understand where I am coming from, or why I feel the way that I do, but when you experience something like that it changes you. Sometimes things happen to you and you just realize what you need to do. And regardless of what anyone else thinks, you have to do it.

Thank you all for your encouragement, advise, and words of wisdom. While you may think this was an excercise in futility, you do not understand the effect it has had on me. While I was happy to be part of a movement involving over 2000 people, I am even more happy with the personal growth I have experienced. I had lost a little steam, through a lack of support; but now my motivation is renewed and I know that I must continue to push myself. What I have done is not great, anyone could do it. But I did it, thats what matters. Its easy to say, "anyone could do that", its tough to actually do it. Maybe some of my forays into philanthropy will end in failure, and maybe I will feel that I made a mistake sometimes; but only through attempting to do something will it ever be possible to make a difference. And that is not a difference for me or my ego, it is a difference for the human race. I am just a cog in the machine, playing my little role. Maybe there is no meaning, and I'm just fooling myself. But currently, I feel this is what I must do, so I do it. Tomorrow things may change, but right this second, I do what I think I should. I hope you can all say that as well. Be true to your selves, and worry not what others think. I listen to you all, but in the end I have to do what I think is right. I hope you can understand that, even if you don't understand me.

May your hearts by filled with compassion for all...

Its Been A While

Things have been just crazy round here. Research, lectures, recitals, seems like the minute I get home, its time to go again. Learning a lot as usual, just not a lot of time for reflection. The Amnesty group is shaping up nicely. We're up to 8 members in the core group, which is 3 more than the usual 5 found throughout the country. And whats even better, they are all highly motivated and actually want to do stuff, not just participate. I think the group is going to take off big time over the next few weeks.

My honors project is coming along nicely, I should be finally completely finished with the coding this week. I'll spend the next two to three weeks writing, then my committee will review the paper, and then I make last minute changes just in time for the end of the semester. A close finish, but it will be a finish. My classes are all going well. Learning lots of cool stuff about the brain, math, and flash programming. Doing a little work on the side for one of the Psychology professors; nothing too fancy but money is money at this point. I also may have a job lined up for this summer through next summer as the project head of research for a project on campus. It deals with human recognition of computer rendered faces, such as that used in police investigations. Thats about all I know so far, but it sounds very interesting.

So I guess I should get to what you all are dying to hear. I believe I'm going to spend one more year at UNCW. After long consideration, talking with multiple professors, and all my friends and relatives, I'm sure of two things; one, they all think I'm crazy, and two, I think I'm doing the right thing. Throughout our lives, we have to make decisions between what we want to do, and what we need to do. Usually we have to decide whether to waiver on what we believe we should do, to make sure our lives are sustainable. While I believe in pragmatism, I also am an obvious idealist. I believe that I can work to change the path this world is currently headed down, and I believe that it is not a choice that I'm worthy of making. It is a duty, to my fellow humans, to do what I can to set things right. Why is it my duty, why me? I have a lot to learn about everything, and I need a lot of work on my levels of tolerance and the like; but I am also very experienced in these areas, experience which gives me opportunities.

Some people are just too closed minded to walk a progressive path, and some are just too open minded. Through my life experiences, and learning from many wonderful people, I have come to a level of existence where I feel I can see problems from an objective point of view. While their may be no true objective point of view, I am fairly good at understanding may other peoples viewpoints. I am striving to improve this ability every day. I think what makes myself and people like me somewhat unique is purely our life experiences. I have been on all sides of the fence; the popular easy to follow side, the unpopular tough path, and on the fence itself, not sure of what to do. Given these experiences, I feel that I can see most sides to a conflict, which allows me to formulate solutions that are agreeable to all. If you really try hard, you can see what it is that motivates people. Once you know there motivations, you can work with them, instead of against them.

There is not such thing as inherent evil, all evil comes from a lack of understanding and respect. Hitler for example, was one of the most "evil" people of our times. But why was he "evil"? His main flaw, was a lack of respect for human rights. In particular, he could not see the true equality of all humans. If Hitler had understood that we are all truly equal, the holocaust would not have happened. Why did he not see it? Because of years of persecution, which led to an immense hatred. Hatred, and blinding vengeful anger, those were Hitlers weaknesses. If we can prevent such hatred from arising in individuals, then we can prevent the loss of respect for human life.

What is my point? My point is that I believe I have the ability to do what I've said needs to be done. I believe that I MUST do what I can, because I owe it to my fellow man. I don't know if there is some ultimate meaning, and I don't know if I'm just wasting my time; what I do know is that I have an ability to stop the horrific things occurring around me, and I feel compelled to do so.

All my life I have tried to help people, and find a way for us all to live together in a happy and peaceful co-existence. Some think I'm an idealistic dreamer, but then I have to reply that so are all my heroes. Undoubtedly Gandhi made some mistakes; but he got an entire nation to stand up and be heard. He got people to realize that we must be active, and we must avoid complacency at all cost. Often when I say that to people they laugh and say, "so you are going to be Gandhi?" My reply to you all "WHY NOT?" One doesn't aspire to be Gandhi, Jesus, or anyone else. One simply does what he or she can to make things right. The rest, as they say, is history. Gandhi didn't set out to be Gandhi, he set out to make people see the madness in what they were doing, and to stop it. And best of all, he sought to do that through education, not force. He always said that we will all receive many blows, but we must not strike back. We will make them see that what they are doing is wrong, and then THEY will decide to stop. Does non-violence always work? I don't know. But I do believe that in the end, compassion always wins out. Anger naturally dies off, but compassion naturally grows. Over time, compassion will always win out.

And so it is with me. My compassion for the human race, and for that matter every living creature, has surpassed my worries of poverty and pain for myself. You all worry that I will suffer, be it by financial poverty or another way. I say to you, do I not already suffer? Am I not already torn apart emotionally on a daily basis by what I see around me? You think I walk toward suffering, but in fact I'm walking away. My suffering comes from apathy, and inactivity. My suffering comes from the ability to do something, and yet I find myself setting still. My suffering comes from a wasted life, and now my suffering is over. I may suffer on the physical plane, but for the first time in my life, I do not suffer on the mental plane. Deep within myself, I know that I am in the pursuit of what is right; and there is no other path for me. I have found the path I'm mean to walk on, and now I take the first step...

Off To A Slow Start

Well, I'm on day 11 of the Emptiness Manifesto, and I'm still alive (as Pearl Jam would say). I have had some rather bad instances, mainly in diet and attitude, but I'm still here. I have a recommited sense to what I'm doing, and I will do these last 20 days the right way even if it drives me nuts. The one thing that has gone perfectly is my exercise routine. I have been every day and am maintaining 5.10-5.30 miles per day in distance. I haven't felt up to the task of another 10 mile trot yet, but I'm sure I will before its all over.

Still reading Che's biography, wow is that book thick! I'm positive without a doubt that it is the thickest book I have ever read. And it is very enlightening. I've learned so much about political systems, social norms and influences, and personal philosophy that it amazes me. I think I'm finally starting to understand the power of books. Movies are great for deliever information quickly, but books let you stew on the info a bit. You can think about what you believe and how it all relates. Movies allow this also, but only after the movie is over. With books you continue the trend throughout the entire reading. Plus, it is rare I have found a movie that led me to other sources of information; but with books, you run across source after source of further study. Anyway, Che really did lead a revolutionary life. His escapades with Fidel Castro to take over and reform Cuba were just the surface. The way he conducted himself in war was brilliant. He was much less focused on killing and violence, and very focused on education and productivity. In fact, one of the first things he did once the rebels had secured some land, was build a hospital, a bread oven, and a school. While I disagree with his call for a bloody revolution being the only way to change things, I think he does offer some valid ideas about how to institute change. In particular, the events in Cuba really help you understand just how important economics, propagand, and the peoples favor really are.

In other news, I had my first official panic attack last night. I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking about what to do with the rest of my life. The thoughts just kept swirling faster and faster and all of the sudden I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was so weird because me first thought was that I was having a panic attack, just like I learned about in Psychopathology. Then I thought, no, you're just being stupid, but when things didn't calm down, I realized it really was happening. After about five minutes of mental back and forth, I started meditating on the sound of the clock ticking in our room, and I finally calmed down. I didn't get much sleep though, nor have I the past few nights. I laid in bed trying, but I just can't slow my mind down. I feel like a giant vice is wrapped around me crushing more and more each day. And no matter how much I think about it, the vice just keeps tightening. Next week I'm going to talk to a couple of profs at school about what I should do. Hopefully that will help, but I'm not sure. Its just one of those situations were EVERYBODY thinks I'm doing the wrong thing, but no matter how much I think about it, I don't feel I am. Albeit, I have made mistakes before, so I'm worried they are right, but on the other hand, I'm not getting any useful alternatives. I wish I could just be like everyone else and do the standard thing, but I just can't. My brain won't let me, its just too stuborn. Its been almost two weeks now, and I'm more confused than ever. I'm willing to do whatever I have to, I just don't know what it is that I should do.

I've tried to live the life where you work 8-5 and then do what you want the rest of the time, it just doesn't work for me. I want more than that. I want a job where I do what I believe in, where I have an impact, not just some mediocre existence. Its not about being great, its about knowing that I'm doing the best I can to make things right. I don't care if I never get recognition, seeing positive change is reward enough.

Well, I better cut it short before I freak out again. I have a feeling these next few weeks are going to be tough on me. As always, I'm open to suggestions. I've got plenty of people telling me what I'm doing wrong, I would love to have some alternative suggestions.

PEACE