The Meaning of Life

All of us are either in pursuit of, or living out our version of, the meaning of life. For some of us, there is religion. For others the search for meaning itself, is the meaning. And still others see no meaning, they just live because they see no point in dying either.

Truely being able to know the meaning of life is considered subjective by some, an objective by others. Some of us feel that there is a specific non-changing meaning to life, even if it eludes us. Others of us feel that the meaning changes from person to person; that our specific interactions and knowledge redefine the meaning in some way for each of us.

Regardless of the meaning, I'm confident that most of us don't think we've found it yet. We may think we are on the right track, but we don't feel that we have a full understanding and appreciation for where that track ends.

I was recently reading a book by a Psychiatrist who was a prisoner in Auschwitz (Man's Search for Meaning - Dr. Viktor E. Frankl), which I highly recommend to anyone that has the ability to read. The first half of the book is about his experiences in several concentration camps over a three year period, including Auschwitz. The second half of the book is about a form of therapy he developed, or at least helped develop, called Logotherapy. In a nutshell, the main part of Logotherapy is to analyze a persons goals, and what they live for. It is not so much concerned with the past and crazy psychotherapeutic theories. It does consider that past, because as we all know, that shapes who we are. But it recognizes that the problem we all face is meaning, and without meaning, our psychological attitudes become bruised. I would recommend the book to all, it is a short and fast read, yet amazingly insightful.

Anyway, the reason I mention the book is there was a story that especially got me to thinking. Frankl was talking about some form of monkey that continually has blood drawn via a painful puncture several times a day. The research is to cure some disease such as cancer, unfortunately I do not remember what disease. But the point was that while the monkey's suffering will lead to the saving of many lives some day (maybe even thousands), the monkey is not capable of understading this. Therefore that "meaning" of his/her life is unknown to him/her, and can never be known. In much the same way, it is possible that we are unable to understand the meaning our lives hold.

However, I have come up with an interesting sub-meaning. The reason the monkey cannot understand his/her great importance is because of a lack of knowledge. One can debate over the technicalities of this statement, but whether due to a lack of physiological mechanisms, or a lack of experience, the point is that knowledge is why the monkey does not understand. Given that idea, one can say that if the monkey where to gain knowledge, through whatever mechanism, he/she might someday understand just how much of an impact he/she has had on the human race.

In the same line of thinking, I began to understand why the human mind is continually chaning our goals. As we acquire more information we begin to understand that certain existing goals are not important, while other non-existing goals are important. So we are continually changing what our goals are in order to pursue that which is really important. Stated another way, we are continually changing the distance between the person we are, and the person we want to be. That concept, known as self-actualization is one of the main drives of the human race. We have some ideal of what we want to do, we picture how to do it, and then we make that picture a reality.

My father taught me this concept early on in relation to basketball. I was having trouble with foul shots at the time, so he gave me a mini-lesson in self-actualization. He told me to sit before the game, and picture myself on the court. See myself going through the various movements, and see the ball going through the hoop. Seems life a pretty simple idea, and in fact it is. But that does not mean it is not powerful. After a couple games of trying the technique, I got to the point where I often made 2 out of 2 foul shots, and usally made at least 1. Previously, I usually didn't make either one.

Thinking of that story, I began to realize that we are all in a continual race to self-actualize. We have developed morals, values, and beliefs that we are trying to follow. We all make mistakes, but some things we finally master. Sometimes the triumphs are small, sometimes they are large. The key is that we are continually trying to stick to these "rules" for ourselves.

I believe that this attempt to become the person we want to be is, at the very least, a sub-meaning of life. We continually attempt to follow our rules, and we continually alter our rules to make them more correct. All the while we are striving to become the person we want to be, a person that does the right thing ALL the time. While we may say that is not possible, deep down we know it is. And that is what all of us are striving to do. Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, id doesn't matter; we are all attempting to follow our beliefs. And since those beliefs are ever changing, so are we. But there may come a day, when we catch up to our beliefs; a day of self-actualization. And when that day comes, we will know that our lives have not been for nothing. We will know that we have found, at the very least, part of the meaning of our life.

Thats just the way it is...some things will never change...don't you believe it

Words from one of my favorite songs of all time; The Way It Is by Bruce Hornsby. I saw The Motorcycle Diaries tonight, so I got to thinking; a lot. The movie is about a man named Ernesto Guevara (also known as "CHE" or Che Guevara. It chronicles his trip with a friend in which they drove most, if not all, of the way from bottom to top of South America. Over the many months of their journey, they were exposed to the injustices found throughout the many countries. Che became the man who started a revolution. In 1967, the CIA is accused of capturing and killing Che, mainly because of his ties with Fidel Castro. After seeing the movie, I'm not sure what happened, but I plan to learn more.

Meanwhile, there is an even more intriguing case on our own continent, the case of Leonard Peltier. He is a native american that was wrongfully imprisoned and is considered by many organizations, including Amnesty International, to be a political prisoner. To learn more about his case, see LeonardPeltier.org and FreePeltier.org

Sometimes, I'm so ashamed of our country, I just don't know what to do. Maybe its all an illusion, but what if I'm wrong? Maybe this reality is all there is, and what am I doing to improve it?

This one is going to take some time to digest.

The reality of apathy...

I had a most interesting and fortunately unamazing experience tonight. I was sitting in the car outside Harris Teeter waiting for Evie who was inside. Two twenty something guys came walking out, and as they passed a shopping cart someone had carelessly left by the entrance, it began to move. First it spun around slowly, and then headed out into the road through the parking lot. The two looked at it, laughed, and moved on without stopping it. I'm sure they assumed it would hit a curb and stop; or possibly a parked car, but thats not there problem.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting in the car thinking the same thing. It looked as though it would hit a curb, but then it turned slightly and was going straight down the road through the parking lot. At this point I got a little nervous, but I saw a person heading toward it and figured he would grab it. He was pushing a cart toward the store, looked at the cart rolling with some speed now through the parking lot alone, walked within a few inches of it, and just let it keep rolling!

Now let me point out, this was at 9 at night, and other than the guy, there was nobody else around, and no cars moving in the lot. He was the only person at all, so there is no way he didn't see the cart. If he simply would have reached out his hand, he could have grabbed it, but he didn't.

At this point I start to think I should do something. The cart is slowly heading toward a main road, and if it were to make it, the exit of the parking lot is steep and has trees by it. Translation, the cart would pick up speed, come flying out from behind the trees, and probably cause a major traffic accident. Once again the cart is heading toward a curb, and I'm hopeing it will hit. But it doesn't. At this point I decided to take action. I turned on the headlights and floor it, race up and cut the cart off with my car. Fortunately, it had stopped right before I got to it, otherwise I might not have made it in time.

Why is this extremely boring story interesting? Because it showed me just how lazy, apathetic, and detached(in a bad way) we have all become. Would it be that insane for us to recognize other people and events outside our own little world? We are each so caught up in our own little dramas, that we never see the big picture. At least, not until its too late. The gym is one of the best places to see what I'm talking about. Every time I got there, I ride the eliptical rider for 65 minutes. And while I read, I notice the people around me. We are all right there, just feet from each other, and yet, its as though we don't know those around us exist. And eye contact! Oh no, anything but eye contact!!! That would mean we actually do recognize there are other people on the planet!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing others, I'm mainly talking about myself here. I mean, people could have died tonight, and in at least some sense, it would have been my fault. Why? Because I was to lazy, to afraid, to apathetic to stop a simple shopping cart. Why? Oh no, that would look weird! A guy drives up in a cart to stop a cart from rolling through a parking lot? Sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. But I of all people should not even have those thoughts. I'm striving to be the non-attached, enlightened, pursuer of truth. Yet I'm so terrified of other people I hesitate to do the right thing when there are lives at stake.

I can't help but keep thinking of the classic case of bystander apathy we learn about in psychology. Were there was a girl who was attacked in an apartment complex, and after 20 or 30 people started looking, the attacker ran off. But then, no police came, no one went to help the girl, and so the guy came back and finished her off. Simply by walking out on the balcony and saying, "Hey, leave her alone." they might have scared off the assailant. Calling the cops might have helped too. But everyone assumed someone else would do it. It wasn't there problem. And they just stood and watched a girl get murdered.

Now, its easy for all of us to stand back and say we would have done something. But here was a complex were AT LEAST 30 people witnessed the incident, and did nothing about it. On the one hand in turns my stomach to think people can be so blatantly stupid. On the other hand, a similar event just happened to me! Who am I to say anything, I was tested and failed just the same. I know what you are thinking, "it was just a cart, nobody would have gotten hurt." And maybe that is true, but it was also possible for the cart to run out in the road and result in a major traffic accident that could have killed multiple people. Obviously I should have acted. When I think about it now, there is no reason I should have waited so long. The instant the last guy didn't stop the cart, I should have head toward it to stop it. Just in case. I mean, I was just sitting there watching it happen like I was watching a movie. It took everything I had to snap out of it and chase down the cart.

So the moral of the story is this; I had a little satori tonight and realized that I am FAR to controlled by those around me. How can I expect others to change when I am so controlled myself? Therefore I will make a concious effort from this point forward to break the binding chains of social influence. Not to be rebelious, but to be who I truely am. I refuse to feel so helpless again, when I have the ability to act at my disposal. I hope you all will do the same.

Ramblings in pursuit of the truth...

How are we any different than a computer? We have no creation of thought from within the brain. Every thought is the result of a stimulus or is the result of a thought that was the result of a stimulus. All of our neurons are firing all the time at very small levels. Occasionally something happens that cause the level of a group to jump and causes a chain reaction that results in a thought. The thought then causes other thoughts to be created and a chain is followed to some end. The end, usually being that the chain of thought is interupted by another thought.

Example: You are looking at a bird. Photons reflected off the bird strike your retina and cause rods and cones(neurons) to fire. This causes more neurons to fire and the chain reaction works its way back into the occipital lobe where the info is interpreted. Result, you see the bird. Then, you may think about a past experience of seeing a similar bird. However, that thought was not created by you. It did not come about through some mystical conciousness. When the occipital lobe recieved the info from the eyes, it automatically actived the hippocampus to recall past memories related to the image. This happens for many reasons, one being that your primal systems are evaluating the image to determine if the objects in it pose any sort of threat. For instance, if the scene you were looking at was a person with a gun, you memory systems would "remind" you that this is dangerous, and you would leave the area (hopefully with some speed!). But those supposedly random thoughts you had about a day hike in California when you saw the same bird where NOT the result of a soul or mind, or anything metaphysical; they were the result of the hippocampus focusing your attention.

How is that any different than my computer? I put input in, and it responds accordingly. It knows it is turned on (power system monitors), knows when it is getting tired (battery monitor), and could easily be programmed to know it will "die" in the future. Now that is an interesting part though: does a computer "know" it is going to die? If we taught a learning computer (one with a neural network) about death and how all things die (even planets and galaxies), would it ever think about its own death? I suppose we could teach the computer to analyze everything based on itself, and then it would think about its own death. But then if we can teach a computer anything, what makes us any different?

Off we go...

The semester is off to a roaring start. Everything seems to be going great. Heres a breakdown of what I'm taking:
CSC/MAT 325 - Numerical Methods (mathematical programming)
PSY 456 - Physiological Psychology (the physiology of the brain, how it works)
CSC 475 - Machine Vision (how to build eyes for a computer)
CSC 112 - Flash Programming (how to write flash programs, duh)
FST 318 - Screenwriting I (WOW! Bet that one caught you off guard? In an attempt to live the way I want from this point forward, I have decided to take up screen writing and give it a try. No, I don't want to make movies for a living, this is purely a hobby. I love movies, I love writing, and I have all kinds of great ideas for movies. Hence, it only makes sense that I would do screen writing! So I am.)

Of course, I will continue working in Dr. Keiths lab, and on my honors project. As well I will try to work 5 or 10 hours a week at GE. Sounds like a lot, but I really enjoy everything I'm doing, so its not difficult.

On the research front, I'm moving full steam ahead as well. Dr. Tag and I discussed writing up part of my project for a conference in May today, as well as taking a paper on the whole project to one of the conferences in Canada I mentioned previously. One way or the other, I'm going somewhere!

Working out is going well, and my daily food intake is appropriate. Still having a little trouble switching from soda to water, but I'm doing better than I was previously.

Just about finished with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, although I think I'm going to have to re-read it. I'm starting to grasp what hes talking about, but when I first started reading the last few chapters of the book, he blew me away. Hes writing along casually jumping back and forth between the story of a trip he and his son took, and some vague philosophical ideas. Then, all of the sudden, WHAM! He smacks down a logical attack rarely seen. I plan to meditate on some of the ideas he discusses and then write about them. They all have to do with the gap between science and art, those that love technology and those that fear it, classical thought and romantic thought. However you want to say it, I think you probably know what I mean.

I'm going to re-read the first half of Zen and the Art of Archery, it also got really deep all of the sudden. I got really lost to the point I think re-reading is the only way to get back on track.

Well, that about brings you up to date. Some more philosophical thoughts coming soon.

Another one bites the dust...

Well 2004 is now behind us, and 2005 is moving ahead full steam. In the spirit of Buckminster Fuller I plan to treat this year as an experiment in human nature. Mainly, I plan to write in my journal a lot more in order to track thoughts and ideas throughout the year and at different points. At various times throughout the year I will reflect on the past months and draw some conclusions. In the end I may use the information to write a Chautauqua. No, this is not a New Years resolution, just something I decided to try, and the beginning of the year is a good time to start.

As for New Years resolutions, I do believe they are important. While we always need to focus on what we are doing, sometimes we need to make a special occasion to focus even harder. Every now and then we need reminders of what we are doing, otherwise we get caught up in the day to day and forget about it. My new years resolution is simple: I will be more mindful. This means a lot of things, one of which is being more aware of my breathing, an meditating throughout the day, not just in special sessions. When I am angry, stressed, nervous, or in any other negative state, I will return to focus on my breathing. I began doing this at the end of last year, and it can be very effective. Of course, the goal is to eliminate such feelings, but a first step is to prevent feelings from overwhelming actions.

The big obstacle for the year that I hope to overcome with more focused mindfulness is a lack of compassion. While I have a very compassionate appearance, there are seeds of anger deep within that I carry about with me. For instance, the inability of others to act in ways that make things easier and better for those around them. Things such as bad driving, and groups of people standing in a hall way blocking it while talking. Normally these things make me very angry, and I have developed a negative and seperatist view of the rest of society. When something bad happens, instead of trying to help the situation or learning from it, I just think about how it backs up my theory that the "mindless mass" sucks. That lack of compassion is very unhealty, and I plan to change it.

I do have a large amount of compassion in other areas, its only seeing through external appearances that I have a problem with. Someone does something bad; its because they are suffering. I have not yet reached a point where I can see that. When I see someone do something bad, I automatically label them as mistaken and feel some form of anger (light or heavy) toward them. I would like to be in a state where I sense their suffering, and maybe even think of ways to assist. Sounds crazy I'm sure, but its just a slightly different way of reacting. And a more effective one for myself and others.

My attempt to be more focused and mindful will be directed at many things including the little things throughout the day that most of us do via conditioning. Brushing my teeth, eating, even walking can all be done more mindfully than I currently do them.

As you may have noticed I also decided to stop avoiding capitalizing I when describing myself. It has offered no extra assistance in realizing the nature of my ego, and from a logical point of view it could have a negative effect on my writing professionally. Therefore I have decided to discontinue doing it.

In an attempt to follow the path I think I should, I will also begin to acknowledge and follow the eightfold path of buddhism. Let me remind you that I do not consider my self a buddhist, I just think that a lot of their ideas make sense. Take for example the following listing of the eightfold path, I don't see how it could lead to anything but personal improvement and a healthy attitude:

Right View
Right Intention
Right Speech
Right Action
Right Livelihood
Right Effort
Right Mindfulness
Right Concentration

For a complete explanation, check out this webpage.

I have laid the foundation for a successful year of focus and understanding by creating this personal contract of sorts...and now it is time to begin.